Lips Like Sugar
by AlorsLaure
Summary: Sugar, that's one of the things Bella and Edward have in common. Trying to fight, to stay alive and to survive the cruelty of the world.
1. I'm fine!

I was lying in bed. I couldn't move, I didn't have enough strength in my body. Maybe I should have eaten that pie. Oh man, I wanted to eat that pie so bad! But I couldn't. When I held it in my hands, my body screamed to me "STOP!". So I stopped. I put it back on the plate and took a bottle of water. And since then, I was lying in my bed. I looked at the alarm clock. It was 9 pm, the time when girls from my age are out to party with their friends. I didn't have friends. Well, I did but I really didn't like them because I knew the talked behind my back. I'm a creep, that's what they think. That's what the entire world thinks and that's what I think too. My mom knocked on my door and before she let me even answer, she already entered my room.

"Are you ok?" she asked me. Yeah, sure mom, I'm fine. I like lying in bed and just stare at my ceiling. I nod I was doing fine. "Do you want me to bring you some food?" my brain was thinking very fast. Should I? If I took the food, I'd be able to walk, go downstairs and watch TV with my family. But if I took the food, it means I'd be eating. And I wanted to do everything except eating. But I accepted. My mom was smiling, probably proud she was able to sale me some of her disgusting food.

Not long after that, she entered my room without knocking and put it next to me, on my bed. I pulled me up and rest my skinny back against the wall. I looked at the French fries and the cheeseburger. I took a French fry while my mom was looking at me. I felt the pressure she put on me to put that fry in my mouth, while my body was still screaming "DON'T DO IT!" but I did it. I put the fry in my mouth and started chewing on it. I felt the fat from the fry running on my mouth. I tasted the salt and the potato. When my mom got out of my room, I looked at the plate and started to count. 1425 kcal. I was going to eat 1425 kcal.

I put another fry in my mouth. And a third. And a fourth. And soon, all the fries weren't on the plate anymore, but all in my body. It was time to eat the cheeseburger. I first hesitated. There were already 1045 kcal in the fries, I actually shouldn't eat the other 380 kcal. But I couldn't control myself. Food had taken over my body, I felt the urge to eat. I took the cheeseburger, didn't care about the ketchup running out of it, and put it in my wide open mouth. The flesh and bread and ketchup and mayonnaise and salad and tomato and cheese mixed each other in my mouth. I ate the whole thing in less than 3 bites.

I felt bad now, real bad. I just ate 1425 kcal and I felt very bad. But my body was strong now. Strong enough to run to the bathroom and throw up. I felt everything I just ate come back and heard it falling in the toilet. I didn't even take the time to put music on, like a normally do. My parents knew this was going to happen. They had to hear it, they had to know that it was their fault. No, it wasn't their fault. It wasn't mine either. It was the fault of my brain. My brain stopped me every time I ate and it was my brain that made me go running to the toilet to flush everything I ate from my body. Stupid brain!

I looked at myself in the mirror. I put my hand on my fat belly. I looked at the scale. I took off my heavy clothes and stood on the scale. 94.8 lbs! I screamed. "WHAT?" how can I weight 94.8 lbs when this morning, I only weighted 92? Without hesitating, I ran back to the toilet and threw up again. I couldn't gain weight, I couldn't and I wouldn't!

"Bella, are you alright?" my dad asked, standing at the other side of the door.

"Yes dad, now go away!" I screamed to him. Well, I screamed… I didn't scream because I had no power in my body. All the power I had, was back in the toilet. My dad entered the bathroom and looked at me. I don't know what he saw, I daren't looking at myself, but I'm sure what he saw wasn't his beautiful, little girl.

"You're so pale, Bella." He said to me. I looked down, at my fat legs. Everything about me was fat and ugly. My hair was brown but had nothing special, my body was just fat, my eyes looked dead, my skin was pale. Everything was wrong. My dad lend me his hand pulled me up. He was helping me to stand on my feet, I felt like I could fall anytime. He put me in my bed like a little child. It felt good. He kissed my forehead and wished me a good night.

I fell asleep almost directly. Throwing up always required a lot of my energy.

I woke up that morning around 7 am. I was already up early, even on weekends. I dressed up, wore a jeans and a sweater that was 10 times too big for me, and ran downstairs. I prepared my parents breakfast while drinking a cup of coffee.

"Good morning." My mom said when she arrived in the kitchen. Her pink robe was a perfect match with her blue pajama. She kissed my cheek and sat on her usual chair. I gave her the toast and pancakes I made and her black coffee in her favorite cup. "Thank you." She said when I sat down.

"Aren't you eating anything?"

"I already ate." I lied. She looked at. I read in her eyes she didn't believe me but she said no word. "So, what are we doing today?" I asked her while drinking a bit of my coffee.

"We have to go to the supermarket. And the Blacks are coming to dinner tonight." Oh right, the Blacks. With father Billy Black, my father's best friend, Rebecca Black, the oldest daughter or the girl that was a part of the bully group when she was at high school. And what she liked doing the most was bullying the youngsters that were different. I was different and she liked to bully me, until she went to college. And since college, she asks me to forgive her. I did but I still couldn't find a way to like her. And then, there was Jacob Black. Jacob was buff and actually pretty good looking, and he was in love with me. How he could be in love with me was a mystery.

My mom and I were walking around in the grocery store. People here called it a supermarket but I saw what a supermarket was when I went visit my grandmother in Seattle and I can say, this is nothing like a supermarket! And how do you want Forks to have a supermarket? We had nothing in that town. It was empty and stupid. You'd think that everyone would be nice with each other because everyone knows each other but people were mean. They were mean in big cities and they were mean in little towns. The world was mean.

"Are you okay, Bella?" my mom asked me when we were at the cash desk. I nod my head and greeted the cashier.

"How are you doing today, Bella?" she asked me. "_What do you care, bitch?_" I wanted to answer to her.

"I'm fine." I answered instead.

"Bella! Hi!" Jessica Stanley said to me. A fake bitch if you ask me. Acting sweet in my face but talking behind my back when I wasn't around. "Oh my God, Bella, you should have come with us yesterday! Mike was so drunk last night! He almost kissed another girl, silly, isn't it? Oh, hello madam Swan." She greeted my mom and turned back to me, "Are you coming tonight? We are going to spend a creepy evening on the beach!"

"I'm sorry, Jessica, I can't. The Blacks are coming to dinner."

"Wait, Jacob is coming too? But he is a creep! Well, have fun then." Oh man, how I loved my friends.

I was helping my mother in the kitchen when Jacob entered the room, pushing Billy's wheelchair inside. "Knock knock." He screamed. He greeted my father and mother and leaned against the working table, next to me. "Hi Bella."

"Hi Jake." I kissed his cheek politely.

"Your dress looks good on you." I turned my eyes. Here we go again. "Thank you." I answered briefly.

"Oh, Rebecca is coming. She was with her boyfriend."

"Shit." I screamed when I let go a piece of tomato on my white dress. "Great!" This evening was going to be horrible.

We were sitting at the table. My parents were sweet enough to put me between Jacob and Rebecca while they were talking with Billy. It was good to have them to talk with Billy, they paid no attention at my full plate.

"Are you ok?" Jacob asked me.

"Yes, I am totally fine!" I screamed. Everyone was looking at me for a second but continued their conversation. I started to feel sick, seeing this food. I stood from my chair, excused myself and fell on the ground. The next thing I remember was the blackness I saw.


	2. Sugarfree

"Here is your coffee." The servant said to me. He was very strong, his black face was swollen, he had a fat belly, he was bold and had the smallest ears I ever saw.

"I asked for tea." I answered. Even though his face scared the hell out of me, I wanted to have tea. He looked at me, angry. I didn't understand why, I hadn't made a mistake. I knew what I wanted to drink and that wasn't coffee.

"You asked for coffee." He answered strongly to me.

"I did not! I never drink coffee!" I didn't like the bitterness of coffee. I liked it when it was mixed with milk and sugar, but since I can't have sugar, I was doomed to drink sugar free tea until the end of my life.

"Young man, you asked for coffee. A caramel latte! Look at this note!" I read it. His horrible handwriting was impossible to read.

"Indeed," I looked at his name card on his green shirt, "Marcus. It's indeed written 'Caramel latte'. But I didn't know my name was Santana. Do I look like a Santana?" I tried to imitate a girl's voice. Fail. Marcus looked at his note and nods his head. The girl, Santana I presume, came out of the restroom.

"I'm sorry." She said when she arrived at the cassock. Her long, black hair was whipping around and her Hispanic skin was looking so soft. She had an enchanting smile on her face and her dark brown eyes were taking my breath away. She was beautiful.

Marcus looked at other coupons.

"Edward?" He asked to me.

"Yes. And if you read it, it's written I want black tea without sugar and with milk." He turned around and prepared my goblet. "Thank you, Marcus." I said to him when he handed me my warm tea. I gave him the money I owed him for his tea. Normally, I also leave a tip but Marcus didn't deserve money. I looked at Santana and greeted her. I didn't want to stay with her; I was very shy when I was around girls.

"I'm Santana." She said when I tried to run away. I looked at her, surprised. She was lending me her hand. I took it and shook it. Her hand was so soft, she probably used a lot of beauty product. Oh hell, I sounded like a creep. Happy she couldn't hear what I was thinking. "I never saw you here. Are you going to the high school, here in Forks?" She asked me.

"Not anymore. I'm home schooled." I told her. _Please don't ask me why, please don't ask me why._

"Oh," she said, "isn't that like, very boring? No friends, no teacher to tease."

"No, it's not boring. I'm in bed most of the time anyway." I answered. It was true. She may think it was because I was lazy. I was, of course, like every teenager. But staying in bed all days long because your body refused to move was the most annoying. I couldn't go out with the few friends I had left from the three years I went to high school.

"So, are you coming to party tonight? It's at Mike Newton's place." She asked me. "You can be my date if you want to."

"Sure!" I answered. Wait, what? No, I couldn't go to party.

"Great! Pick me up tonight at 8, ok? Here is my address." She wrote her address on my hand. Dangerous, I was susceptible to wash my hands and erase it. She kissed my cheek and ran away, pushing on a dial number and calling her girlfriends, probably to tell she found a guy to go party with. Why did I agree? I couldn't go to party! That was like committing suicide! I should call her and tell her it's impossible to me to go party with her tonight because my cat was having her kittens. Oh shit. I don't even have her number! And no car. And no cat.

I was walking when I heard 'Bohemian Rhapsody' play in my pocket. I tried to take my phone out without spilling my tea. I already had enough difficulties receiving it, it's not to spill it on the ground.

"Hello?" I said to my phone.

"Edward, it's me."

"Oh Me! How are you doing, my friend!" I answered.

"What?" I sighed. My oldest brother wasn't the smartest at home.

"Just tell me why you are calling, Emmett."

"Oh, right. Yeah. Dad asks for you to come home. It's time for your medication." Great. Having a doctor as my dad is really annoying.

My dad was standing in front of me when I opened the door. I sighed. Here we go again.

"You're late." My dad said to me. His blue eyes were looking through me. His designer shoes were tapping on the ground, to make his severe expression look angry.

"Sorry dad."

"Stop being so reckless, Edward! You have to take your medication every 3 hours! It's very important."

"Dad, it's not helping. I'm still sick, so what's the point?" I knew he'd get angry when I said that. He didn't want to give up hope. He was the sweetest father ever, but when he was talking about my illness and medication, he could be very persisting. He started to give me his speech about how important it was for me, that even if I didn't feel any change, there maybe was. That doctors could use my experience with the drug to know how to ameliorate it. He was giving me the same speech since I started the 5th treatments since they discovered my illness, 2 years ago. "Take your pills now," he said to me. He handed me my pills.

"I need water." I said to him.

I pushed on the doorbell and heard footsteps come closer. I looked at myself in the window, next to the door. I fingered my hair and stroked my white shirt. My bronze hair was as bronze as always, looking like I haven't brushed it in weeks. My green eyes were half-dead. My skin was looking this white since I got sick for the first time. Some people said it was pretty.

Santana opened the door. She was standing in front of me with her long, black hair in a ponytail, wearing a very short, black dress. She had beautiful legs and a very nice cleavage. She wore make up at her eyes, lips and cheeks. She was very beautiful and totally not my type of girl.

"So, that's your car?" She asked to me while putting her shoes on. I looked at Emmett's big grey Jeep. I wished I could have taken Alice's yellow Porsche but she said she had a date with Jasper, her boyfriend. I couldn't believe that, she didn't trust me enough to take her expensive car.

"It's not mine. It's from my older brother." I honestly answered.

"Oh, you got siblings?" She deduced from what I said. She smiled at me, showing me her bright white teeth. "Mom, I'm out!" She screamed inside. She took my arm and led me to the car. I opened the door and let her enter. She talked about her brothers and how protective they are because that's what Hispanic siblings do. She talked about Brazil and how it comes her parents immigrated to America and to the coldest place from the entire country. She didn't notice I wasn't listening, she continued talking. I was trying to concentrate on the road to avoid a new accident.

We arrived in front of a small but nice wooden house. There were a lot of youngsters I never saw walking around the house. Santana directly greeted some girls. I tried to memorize their names but I couldn't. She greeted Mike. "Oh, hi Edward! Wow, you've changed so much! Oh, buddy, how are you?" Said Mike to me. Apparently, we had spend all our life in class together.

I was trying to ignore the way I was feeling. All I wanted to do was going home and laying in bed. But I couldn't let Santana alone. She was dancing with me. Well, around my unmoving body. I was just looking around, swallowing the abundance of saliva in my mouth. All there was to drink was soda and beer. No water, alone the water tab but the sink looked so gross, I couldn't bring myself to drink from the tab. I was sweating, more than the others, whom were dancing, did. My legs were shaking, my eyes started to spin. I was searching through my pockets to find my pills. I probably had left them in the car. How stupid was I? I felt my legs sag.

"Call the ambulance!" I heard Santana scream, between the other screams from the guests.


	3. Stupid doctors

I looked around in the room. It was cold inside and outside. The hard bed hurt my body and tubes in my arms were moving. The beeping of the monitor drove me crazy. My father's snoring was impossible to listen to. The little bear Jacob had left me was so ugly I couldn't look at it. The food the nurse brought me last night was still standing on the plate, getting cold. My father had eaten the chocolate mousse but he didn't want to eat my peas. They looked way too green to be good. Why was my father sitting next to me? He could have left, it's not like I'm going to get better because he was there. On the contrary, if he continued to snore, I couldn't sleep. And why was he sleeping? It was 8 a.m.

"Good morning." A doctor said when she entered the room, with another girl in white blouse. "I'm doctor Robbins and this is doctor Grey." Doctor Robbins was a blonde girl. She had cute cheeks but totally looked like she could get a breakdown every single second. The other doctor, Dr. Grey, had brown hair and was actually very pretty, though I wasn't enough into girls to judge about that. Maybe me, meanwhile awaken father, could judge about that.

"Dr. Grey, could you please read the patient's register, please?"

"Bella Swan, 17 years, bulimic,"

"I'm not bulimic." I said strongly. "Aren't bulimics supposed to be skinny? I'm fucking fat!"

"Bella! Don't use that language!" my dad said to me. I turned with my eyes.

"Bella, you're far from being fat. You're even too skinny," Dr. Grey said. Her brown eyes looked deeply into mine. "You have a BMI of 15, that's too low for a girl of your age. You're not fat. You're a pretty girl." She looked sad because I wasn't staying at the hospital.

"I'm going home." I said to the doctors. I looked at my father, trying to pierce into his soul. I knew that, if I continued, he was going to find a way to keep me here. He wouldn't say no to his little girl. I saw his look getting weaker, he was going to say to the doctors that I had to go home. The doctors continued their chatting, saying I couldn't go home because I was too skinny, that I could die and my weight was too low to be in good health. I wasn't in good health and I knew that. I just couldn't care enough to do something about it.

"We are keeping you in observation for a few days, just to be sure you're alright. After you gained some weight, you can go home." Dr. Robins said to my father and I. She left with Dr. Grey, followed by my father. He was going to ask if I could go home, I knew it! I always have that effect on him! I heard them talking outside my room. They probably forgot I hadars.

"Dr. Robbins. I know it's not wise to let Bella go home, but I know her. She doesn't want to be here and will do everything to leave." Man, my dad knew me so well, "I just don't want her to run away in the middle of the night or do something to harm herself. Can't she just go home? My wife and I always found a way to make her eat and we'll find a way to make her stop throw it up."

"Mr. Swan,"answered Dr. Grey before Dr. Robins interrupted her.

"You know, Mr. Swan, if you think you can help a teenage girl without confidence without any medical help, then of course you can take her home. We can't force her, and you, to stay at the hospital. We just want to help your daughter."

"She's going home. We'll take care of her." My dad answered. He came back into my room. I turned my head. He walked towards the closet and put the clothes my mom put in it, back into the small luggage. I smiled, happy to know I still could make my dad break and do what I asked him to do. I also felt bad because of it. I felt like a monster. My dad did everything I wanted and I never did was he wanted. What did he want? A healthy daughter. A healthy and happy daughter. He didn't get her. He only got the unhealthy, mean and unhappy daughter.

Not long after all my reflections and after my dad had finished folding my clothes into the luggage, a nurse came into my room to take off all the tubes and other things that were on my body. She helped me to get dressed and helped me to sit in a wheelchair. She pushed me towards the bar to take some papers for my dad, whom was holding my hand. After he signed those papers, she wished me good luck. My dad took my arm and helped me to get out of the wheelchair. After some struggling, I arrived to stand on my weak legs. They were shaking a little but I got them under control.

We were walking, still in the hospital. I saw a boy in a bed, he directly caught my eye. His green eyes were reading _Wuthering Heights_, which got to be the same book as I was reading and also my favorite book. His bronze hair was a perfect match with his pale skin. He looked very sick, more than I was. I didn't notice I stopped to look at him. I felt my dad pulling me to continue walking. "Are you coming," he asked me. I looked at my feet again, still walking towards to exit. I was concentrating on which foot to put first.

I felt an awful pain in my right leg when I put it on the ground. I fell on the ground, clashed my head on the ground because of the fall. Doctors ran towards me. Some were yelling. I felt something warm flow out of my ear, on my cheek. Before I noticed it, I fainted.

"How could you have been so reckless, Charlie!" I heard my mom scream. I had a horrible headache and my mom wouldn't stop screaming. I wanted to scream at them, ask them to stop yelling at each other, but I still was sleeping. My body refused to wake up.

"I'm sorry, Renee! But she asked me to and…"

"You have to stop doing everything she wants. You have to be a father!"

My eyes were slowly opening and I tried to speak but my mouth wasn't moving. I saw my mother at my right side, lean on my legs, while screaming at my dad whom was standing at my left side, playing with my sheets.

"Stop screaming." I said, so softly they didn't hear me.

"I'm a father! That's why I do what my only child wants!"

"Stop screaming." I repeated, a bit louder this time, loud enough for them to hear me. They both looked at me. My mom pushed on a button next to me, making a beep come out of a monitor.

"I'm fine." I said. Those were my usual words. I saw Dr. Robins come inside of my room, together with Dr. Grey. Dr. Grey looked sad at me.

"Bella,"said Dr. Robbins, "I said we were going to meet again." She looked at my dad. "Dr. Grey, can you read the file?"

She opened the file and looked at me, "Bella Swan, 17, bulimic, arrived into the E.R. yesterday evening for being underfed, broke her right leg because of a lack of calcium and had an internal bleeding in the brain because of the fall. Operated by Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Grey." I looked at her. She operated me? But she looked way too young to be good at operating!

"This time, Bella, you'll have to stay longer at the hospital. First in observation for your postop, afterwards because of your eating disorder." Dr. Robbins explained to me.

"I'm going home after my observation for my operation." I said to her.

"Bella, you can't. You're sick." Dr. Grey said.

"I can! It's my choice!" I screamed to her.

"No Bella it's not your choice! It's our choice! You have to stay here and get healthy! Stop making stupid decisions and please, stay here! We don't want you to die! And don't look at me like that, I'm not going to get weak again! You are my only daughter. I want you to stay here and get healthy and live!" I looked at my dad. He had tears in his eyes. He never screamed at me. I couldn't believe he just did that. My mother looked down, trying to stop her tears. I felt my eyes burning, my throat contract and my heart beating faster. I tasted the salt from my tears.


	4. I love hospitals

I was looking at the ceiling, holding my book in my hands. I felt the crude feeling of the paper underneath my thumb. I hated hospitals, I really hated it; the smell of dead people and polish. I hated it. Why was I even lying here? I just fainted because of the lack of sugar in my blood. So what? It's not like they can do anything. I'm diabetic, what can they do? I'll always stick with this illness, whatever my dad does and whatever the doctors try. I'm going to die, not soon, but I will die of this illness. But my dad refuses to let me go. And that's why he makes me try every treatment there is. Well, there is none. He just thinks there is one. Every doctor thinks there is one. And that's why I have to take these awful pills, because my father is a doctor and can't face the fact that one of his children is going to die. Emmett is perfectly healthy, if stupidity isn't an illness. And Alice is healthy, if a shopping addiction isn't a disease.

Maybe it's good that I'm sick. For him, I mean. He can use me as a patient to try his pills on. That can help him to be a better doctor and to be even richer, right? I hate being sick. Can't I just be a healthy teenager and continue having fun with my friends, playing football at school, watching cheerleaders and date the hottest girl from school? No, instead, I'm a sick teenager, lying in bed, having my mother as teacher, my sister as closest friend because all my friends let me fall because of my illness and trying to hit on a girl at a party but faint instead. And spending days and days taking pills and lying in the hospital.

"Edward!" My dad ran into my room, followed by two other doctors. One of the doctors had blonde hair, cute little cheeks, a bright smile but looked like she was going to have a breakdown any time soon. Her name card said her name was Dr. Robbins. The other woman was short but had a round body. She looked severe but nice at the same time.

"Edward, Dr. Bailey," my father pointed to the short woman, "is working on a clinical trial about diabetes and thinks you could be a good patient for it!" He was all thrilled while explaining to me what the trial is, what they could do and what the result could be. I was fake-listening to him. I didn't care. Whatever I wanted wasn't important, I knew that I had to do this. I'd have to experienced it even if I didn't listen to him.

"We are going to run some tests before to consider you as a part of the trial, but normally it should be ok." I nod my head to Dr. Bailey and sighed.

I was waiting in the lobby, reading Wuthering Heights. I knew this was a book for girls and it was ethically forbidden for boys to read it. But the person who invented boys shouldn't read English Literature never read Wuthering Heights. I loved Heathcliff's cruelty and the love he had for Catherine. This was a bit like real life, breaking all the topics of the other novels of that time. Wuthering Heights wasn't a novel like any other one. Wuthering Heights was perfect.

Wuthering Heights made me forget I was waiting to run new tests for the new clinical trial that will be a new disappointment. Wuthering Heights made me feel like I wasn't alone, I had Heathcliff that felt the exact same way as I did; alone and sad and… alone. Wuthering Heights also made me forget I was hungry like shit. I tried to ask several times to doctors and nurses to give me food but they refused every time.

"Kiss me again, but don't let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer-but yours! How can I?" I read Heathcliff's words. Only my mouth was moving, forming the words written on this page.

"I need help here!" I heard a man scream. He was kneeled right in front of my bed, with the head of a girl lying on his legs, so she won't touch the floor. He looked around, tried to get the attention of the doctors and nurses. My father ran towards the move free body and to help to man, followed by a nurse and another doctor I didn't know.

"Karev, beep Dr. Robbins!" My dad ordered the other doctor, while the nurse tried to push the girl's father away. My father took the girl in his arms and ran towards a door, opened by a nurse. I saw him move and scream to his colleges, trying to save the girl. When I saw Dr. Robbins run towards the same door than my father passed through, I knew this was severe. I didn't know why but I crawled out of my bed but I did. I looked through the window of the small room. I saw Dr. Karev trying to put a tube into the mouth of the beautiful girl. Her lips looked so soft and pink. Her skin was very pale, as pale as mine, her brown hair waved like a sea. Her eyes were closed and she moved with the force my father's hands put on her chest. It look like he was going to break her chest, she was so skinny. Way too skinny. She looked so sick, way sicker than I looked.

"Sir, I need you to calm down." A doctor said to the girl's father. I could tell he was her father, their hair had the same color and their eyes had the same size and form.

"I can't calm down!" He screamed to the nurse, pushing her away, "My babygirl is in that room! My Bella is in that room." He started to cry, seemed lost. I looked through the window again, starring at Bella. She was beautiful, the most beautiful girl I ever saw. Fragile but strong at the same time. I looked at her while five doctors tried to help her. No, I didn't look at her, I was literally staring at her. I felt a deep need to go save her, like I could even do that. I never saw that girl before and still, she I had the feeling I knew her for years.

"Edward, what are you doing here? You should be in your bed!" said Dr. Bailey.

"But…" I said looking at her, and back through the window.

"No but! In your bed, young man." I walked back to my bed, not detaching my eyes from the window. I laid but as soon as Dr. Bailey left, I ran back to the window. I looked through it but they were gone. My dad was gone, the other doctors were gone, the nurses were gone, Bella was gone. Even her father was gone.

"Excuse me," I said to a doctor, taking care of an old lady. The doctor had brown hair and was pretty but not as pretty as Bella. "Where is doctor Cullen? He was taking care of a patient in that room," I pointed to the room where they took care of Bella, "and now he is gone."

"I have no idea." She smiled at me.

"Edward!" I heard someone scream. As I turned my back, I saw Dr. Bailey pointing at my bed, ordering me to lay down. I sighed and walked with my Baxter back to my hard be

**I hope you like the story so far. I firstly want to thank my beta for helping me! I'd like to hear your thoughts on my fanfic. Positive or negative thoughts. So review review review.**

**And I love you guys **


	5. Wuthering Heights

For once in Washington, the weather was good. And every time the weather is nice and warm, everyone is outside. I was sitting on a bank, continuing my book. I felt the warmth of the sun burn in my face. It felt so nice. I heard little birds singing. Patients were walking around and everyone was feeling free for once.

"Do you mind if I smoke a cigarette?" A very enchanting voice asked. I was so concentrated reading my book I didn't even notice someone was sitting next to me. I looked at her. It was her. It was the most beautiful girl. Her brown hair was wrapped into a ponytail, her face was pale, she had deep brown eyes that looked into mine. Her mouth was slightly open and her hand was holding a red pack of cigarettes.

"No." I answered. I looked back at my book, scared I was going to stare at her, like I did the last time. But I couldn't help myself and looked at her. First through the corner of my eye, but soon, I couldn't help myself and looked at her, very obviously. I saw how she lighted her cigarette and how she blew the smoke out of her mouth. Her mouth was forming a slight O, making her lips look even more attractive. She sighted, I didn't know if it was out of sadness or happiness. She dragged on her cigarette again. Come on Edward, speak to her. Just speak. I said to myself.

"You shouldn't smoke that shit." I said to her. What? What was I even saying? I felt the need to slap myself! Bella looked at me, surprised. At least, I wasn't the only surprised one here.

"I know." She said. Her voice sounded like she regretted something. Maybe she regretted to begin with it. "I know but this is the only thing that makes me feel better." She said, laughing silently.

"Can I have one?" I asked her. She looked at me, surprised again.

"S…Sure." She handed me a cigarette and her lighter. I didn't hesitate and lighted it. I felt the smoke flow into my throat, burning. I had to cough but tried to keep it in me so I didn't seem stupid in front of Bella, but I couldn't help myself and coughed like a crazy old man.

"First time?" She asked me, not expecting me to deny it.

"No, it has just been years." I answered, without even lying. She looked at the trees and other things in the landscape, while continuing smoking. I tried to read my book again, while inhaling smoke every now and then.

"_And I pray one prayer-I repeat it till my tongue stiffens-Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living_!" I said out loud, quoting Heathcliff, my hero. I looked at Bella, whom was also looking at me. She must have been surprised.

"Sorry, it's a habit of mine." I explained to her.

"_You said I killed you—haunt me, then! The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe. I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always—take any form—drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you_." Bella finished my quote, like it was the most common thing to do. This time, I was the one looking surprised. She took another drag from her cigarette and threw it away before crushing it with her foot.

"I love Wuthering Heights." She explained to me. "I'm surprised you read this, though."

"Heathcliff is my idol, even though he never existed." I explained to her.

"You think he never existed?" She asked me. Was she being serious? "Don't you think every character in every book has really existed? The author has to find inspiration somewhere."

"You think a cruel soul like Heathcliff could exist?" I asked. I was surprised by how true her words were. I also was surprised I never thought about that.

"Heathcliff wasn't cruel. Heathcliff was alone and sad and he wanted to show he was somebody. That's why he acted mean and like he had no emotions. But he had emotions. He loved Catherine, like..." She looked at something invisible, trying to explain the love between Heathcliff and Catherine, trying to explain the real meaning of this book. She looked back at me, making a cute face with her lips. "He just loves her." She said. "And that's why this book is so wonderful." I stared at her, I couldn't help myself. She was beautiful, smart and interesting.

"Why do you like Wuthering Heights so much?" She asked me. "I mean, this isn't a book supposed to be read by boys."

"Maybe I'm not a boy." I answered. "I'm kidding." I said when she looked shocked at me. "Maybe I'm not an ordinary boy."

"You certainly aren't." She said. I felt my stomach shrink inside of my body. My entire body was warming up. I felt like I was glowing. "I never met a boy who liked this kind of literature."

"I like beautiful things." We looked at each other for some minutes. I liked her, she was a beautiful thing.

"Why are you here?" I asked her.

"Because the weather is beautiful." She answered. I rapidly understood she didn't want to talk about it. A small gust of wind was making a wick move. She took another cigarette from her red box and was looking for her lighter that I was still holding.

"I'm Edward, by the way." I said to her when I handed her the lighter.

"Bella. Bella Swan." She said to me, not taking my hand. I wanted to answer I already knew that but that was going to sound weird, no?

"So, Bella, what other literature do you like?" I asked her. I saw she didn't want to have a conversation, though I needed to talk to her. I needed her. I knew her for less than an hour and I needed her. I needed her like Jimi Hendrickx needed his guitar, I needed her like Kurt Cobain needed his pills, I needed her like Heathcliff needed Catherine.

"Is Romeo and Juliet considered as literature?" She asked to me, with her cigarette in her mouth.

"Let's say it is."

She looked at me, drilling her eyes into mine. "I like Romeo and Juliet." She said, not letting her eyes leave mine. And again, we looked at each other for minutes. This time even longer than the times before. No words were said. Why was I addicted to this girl? Why did I have the feeling she was important to me? Why did I have the feeling I have to be with her? All of this after seeing her almost die once and speaking to her for less than an hour.

"Hi Bella!" said a male voice, coming from behind her. It had woken us from our enchantment. I looked at the buff guy standing behind her. His black hair was very short, he had very white teeth and was definitely from the Indian tribute. He was standing next to a nurse.

"Oh, hi Jake." She said to the boy. She didn't seem very happy to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"I can come visit my friend, can't I?" He said with too much excitement in his voice. "Do you, want to come drinking something in the cafeteria?"

"Sure." She answered. It didn't seem to me like she wanted to leave with him. I don't know why she actually did leave with him. She stood from the bank, leaving an empty spot next to me. "We'll have to talk soon again, Edward." She said before leaving me. She waved at me, shyly.

That was the first time I spoke to Bella Swan.


	6. Million little stars

"You can leave now, dad." I said to him. _Leave old man, leave_! I was screaming in my head.

"You're sure you'll be alright?" My mom asked me.

"Mom, come one, you can leave." _Go home! Both of you!_ I wanted to go see Edward. I wanted to speak with him again, just like I did the day before.

_I remembered him from the day I fainted. I remembered he was the boy with the green eyes, reading Wuthering Heights. I saw him sitting on the bank, in front of the beautiful birch tree. He was reading again. I was standing next to the bank, forcing myself to speak to him but I was too scared. I was looking at him for several minutes. He continued to read his book, like it was the only important thing in the world. I sat next to him, maybe that would have caught his attention. Wrong. He was still reading. I looked at him; his mouth was pronouncing the words from the part he was reading. His cuteness made me smile. "Come one Bella, talk to him. Come one, you can do it." I said to myself before pronouncing a word. I closed my eyes and concentrated on what I was going to say. "Do you mind if I smoke a cigarette?"_

I needed him. I only talked to him for 1 hour, saw him during a brief second, and I never had this urge to be with someone. Because I really had to be with him. When I was with him in the garden of the hospital, I felt good. I never felt this good since years. His voice made me feel a hot glow inside of my body. I hadn't seen him since the day before, but that didn't mean I hadn't been thinking about him. I thought about him even more while reading _Wuthering Heights_. I had been thinking about Heathcliff all day long.

I hated Jacob. I hated Jacob so much for taking me away from Edward. And the only reason he took me away from him was to talk with me about stupid things. About my illness. I hated him so much.

My parents finally left. As soon as I was sure they were gone, I crawled out of my bed. I took my nicest pajamas. Well, it wasn't really a pajama's, it was more a big shirt from _The Beatles_ and a black trouser. Or should I wear real clothes? No, pajamas were cooler.

I walked out of my room, sneaking towards Edwards. He was sleeping into room 7169. I took a big breath before knocking on the door.

"Yes?" He said. His voice made my stomach shrink again, like it did the day before. I entered the room to see him lying in his bed. He wasn't reading, like I expected him to do. Instead, he was watching TV. "Oh, hi Bella!" he seemed really happy to see me. Or did I just imagine he was because I was?

"Hi." I said. Shit, I didn't want to seem shy! Oh God, he was going to think I was pathetic! He laughed at me. He had a crooked smile on his face. Holy shit, I was going to faint.

"Want to watch House M.D. with me?" He suggested to me.

"Sure." I tried to hide my smile when he moved to the right to give me space to lay next to him. The bed was so small we couldn't do anything else but touch each other.

"Popcorn?" He proposed the box. "Careful, it's salty."

"I don't mind." I said to him. I looked at the popcorn, started to count the calories. Stupid brain of mine! I was lying next to the sexy Edward and all my brain decided to do was counting calories.

"You don't like it? I know you probably prefer the ones with sugar. I would have grabbed some but I didn't know you were planning to come." He said when he saw my hesitation.

"No, no it's ok! I like it!" I said as I ate popcorn.

"You like House?" He asked me after an awkward silence.

"Yes. I like how he's funny and brilliant at the same time. He makes me think about Heathcliff." I felt Edwards head move. "Yes, think about it. He is extremely sad, just like Heathcliff. He has the feeling he's unloved and that's why he is mean. Just like Heathcliff."

"But he's not cruel." Edward answered.

"No, that's true. Heathcliff is cruel. House is just mean."

We were looking at each other for some time, when someone came in. We looked at the intruder at the same moment.

"I'm sorry, but who are you?" Asked the man entering the room. "Edward, you should be alone and resting! And don't eat that crap." The man walked towards the bed and grabbed the box of popcorn. "I'm sorry, miss, but you have to leave the room."

"Dad!" Edward yelled. The man was very young to be a dad. Way younger than was my father. His hair wasn't even grey.

"No Edward, your father is right. I shouldn't have been here." I stepped out of the bed, feeling heartbroken. "Sorry sir, goodnight." I walked out of the room, very slowly, together with his father. Before turning my back to the corner, I looked at the door of his room again. I saw it open. Edward came out of the room, running with his Baxter.

"Don't leave. Please. I don't want to be alone tonight." He looked at me, seemed a bit sad. I couldn't control myself and smiled.

We were lying on the roof, on the helicopter pad, looking at the black skies and the million little stars. The wind was freezing cold but the stars beautiful.

"This feels good." Edward said to me while lying on the ground. "Feels good to do something you're not supposed to do."

"It feels good to be outside and to forget all the troubles." I said. "I'm tired of being here."

"You want to go inside?" He asked to me, ready to leave.

"No! No, I mean, I'm tired to be in the hospital. I'm not sick."

"Bella, you're sick." He looked at me. I turned my head to look at him. To look at his beautiful green eyes and his pale face. "I saw you fainting the other day. Healthy people don't faint."

"I'm not sick." I said strongly to him. His eyes were looking concerned at me. "I just refuse to eat. And when I eat, I have to throw it up. But I'm not sick."

"Bella, it's so dangerous!" He said to me. His concerned look made me so happy. He cared about me. He really cared about me. Did he love me? Or did he see me like a friend? "Why do you even do that?" I took a big breath.

"Some years ago, I weighted too much. People at school were being mean, they liked to bully me, to give me bad names. I was so tired of it, I wanted to commit suicide. Instead of killing myself, I decided I should prove them wrong, that I was worth as much as the others, even if I was fat. So I started a healthy diet. I was losing weight, but it didn't go fast enough for me. So I did what I read in a book; I threw up after eating. I remember the first time I did it, we just ate some pasta. I went upstairs, to the bathroom and took my toothbrush. I pushed it down my throat. At the beginning, nothing came out of my body. So I did it again. And again. And after some trying, finally I managed to throw up. The first few weeks, I did it only when I ate dinner. But soon, I couldn't help myself and did it even at school. But it worked; I lost weight. And I'm happy I did."

"And did the bullying stop?" I turned my head back to the sky. "No." I answered to him. I felt tears coming up. I tried to make them disappear but my body refused to stop crying. Edward took my hand and squeezed it. It was a silent way of saying _Don't cry. I'm here. Be strong._

"What about you?" I asked him after some silence. He also took a big breath before starting to speak.

"3 years ago, I was a normal teenager. I had friends, went to school, was playing in the baseball team, I had a girlfriend. One day as I was at a party, I felt sick. I thought it was because of what I ate, so I drank more beer. And more. And that until I was so sick I threw up and fainted. My girlfriend called my father. He was so angry at me. He thought I had too much to drink. But after that night, I fainted more often. So my dad, good doctor that he is, decided to run some tests. The results came a week later; I had developed the highest sort of diabetes. Since that analysis, my dad tries every possible treatment on me. And nothing makes me feel better. Nothing makes me healthy again. And my dad can't face that."

"And now?" I asked. I didn't really care about now, I certainly cared about his girlfriend.

"I had to stop baseball, I had to stop to go to school so my mother teaches me everything now. I can't do any sport but also can't eat what I want. My friends let me fall, I only have one left and he barely comes to visit me. My girlfriend ditched me for some other guy. Who wants to be with someone who's going to die, right?"

"Are you going to die?" I asked him shocked. Can people die of diabetes?

"It's possible. But that's in the extreme case." He smiled at me again, showing me his crooked smile. This one definitely was going to be my favorite one. I looked at the stars again, trying to think about everything that happened these past few days. Meeting Edward, talking with Edward about illness.

"I'm cold." I suddenly said.

"You want my coat?" He proposed to me. He didn't wait for me to answer, he directly gave it to me.

"Ok, now I'm cold." He said. We laughed at the same time. His laugh was beautiful, almost sounded like a song to me. He stood up from the ground and gave me his hand to help me to get up myself. In the elevator, we began to talk about unimportant stuff. We laughed and teased each other. We arrived in front of my door, trying to be as silent as possible.

"See you tomorrow?" I asked hopeful.

"That's a date." He said with his crooked smile. My legs were getting weak, why was he so beautiful and charming? I kissed his cheek, as close as possible to his mouth.

This was the first night I spend with Edward Cullen.

**Hi guys! I have to say I'm proud of this chapter. So review it to tell me if you also liked it! The title of this chapter is actually based on a song. One of my favorites if I can say so. It's called "Untouchable" by Taylor Swift. I'm not a big Swift fan but this song is beautiful!**

_**In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream it's like a million little stars spelling out your name.**_

**If you don't know the song, check it out. And review this chapter so I know what you**** guys think about it!**


	7. The bear and the moose

I had been starring at my reflection in the mirror for the past 34 minutes. The blue rings under my eyes betrayed I hadn't been sleeping. Luckily, it didn't betray why. It didn't betray I had only been thinking about Bella and her smile, eyes, red cheeks, kindness and her voice.

I looked at my clothes on my bed. A blue jeans with a white shirt or a grey t-shirt from The Beatles, my favorite one. What was I going to wear to impress on Bella? I wore the grey t-shirt and looked at myself in the mirror again. It was ok, I guess. Yeah, she was going to like this one, she liked The Beatles. I was so stressed for this date, I looked like a total fool. I shouldn't been stressing for a stupid date! No, it wasn't a stupid date. It was far from being a stupid date! I looked at the clock. Shit, was it this late already? I hadn't prepared anything for Bella! I had been planning to do something special for her.

"Knock knock," I heard her say when she walked into the room. The special thing was going to be for a next time. Shit. She smiled brightly at me while stepping inside. I couldn't help but smile back. She was so beautiful in her jeans and blue sweater that was 2 sizes too big for her. Under her trousers she was wearing a pair of blue Converse. She was so beautiful, so Bella.

"I didn't know what we were going to do tonight, so I brought some chips." She said while showing me a handful of bags. "And since I didn't know what kind of taste you liked, I brought my favorites."

"Great! And I have some other snacks!" I took the snacks out of my closet and sat on my bed. Bella was still standing in the doorway. I pat on the bed to make her understand she had to come sit next to me. She came next to me, touching her legs against mine, which made me feel a warm glow inside of my entire body. _Be a man, Edward!_

"Let's see, we have salt and pepper, my all time favorite. But we also have pickles, barbecue and paprika. Choose." I looked at the bags.

"Salt and pepper!" I said without hesitation. How is it possible to find someone that likes everything you like? Or can she just read my mind?

"God, where were you a year ago?" She said as she was smiling. But deeply in her eyes, I saw she was serious. I took the snacks and put them on my lap.

"What do you want to eat? I have delicious popcorn, just like yesterday. Or I have sweet chocolates or nice M&M's, my addiction."

"I thought you couldn't eat all those things?" She said, surprised.

"Yeah, well, since I'm in the hospital, I think I could sin for once. And we are surrendered by doctors. I won't die any time soon." I opened the chocolate box and hold one in my hand for her. "Want one?" She grabbed it out of my hand and smirked at me. She looked at the chocolate and hesitated for a moment before putting it in her mouth and chewing on it. Her eyes fell wide open.

"Oh God, they really are good!" She said and smiled. She looked inside of the paper. "_Generosity is one of the most fundamental qualities of living together_." She read the quote from her chocolate. "What does yours say?"

"_There is nothing greater than the love of food_." I smiled and looked at her. Her eyes turned teary and her face turned sad. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry Bella! I totally forgot!" I was so stupid!

"No, it's ok." She said, not very convincing. She tried to smile but failed at looking cheerful.

"I really am sorry." I put my hand on her leg. We both looked at it laying there, before I pulled it away. What was I fucking doing?

"It really is ok, Edward." She said, like I didn't put my hand on her leg a second before. "I haven't thrown up my food anymore since a week." She said. She proudly smiled, making her cheeks look red.

"I want to talk with you. About you. I want to know more of you."

"Ok, shoot your questions." I answered. "Or let's play truth or dare! Girls like to play truth or dare, don't they?"

"How do you know girls like to play truth or dare?" She winked at me. She looked incredibly cute while doing that.

"I have an amazing sister that made me play truth or dare almost every day, just to tell about her life. She likes to talk about herself. So, Bella, truth or dare?"

"Truth." She said enthusiastically. Should I ask her what I was dying to know? Yes, I should.

"Boyfriend's name." I asked. I couldn't believe I really asked that out loud. But I had been wondering who that guy from the other day, in the garden, was.

"I…" She said, hesitating, "I don't have a boyfriend. I actually never had one." It felt like my heart skipped a beat. Did she really just tell me she's single? Oh my God!

"Why not? I mean, you're very attractive." I said in an attempt to flirt with her. I really sucked at that shit! But it looked like it worked! No, it looked like she was confused. She didn't dare to look at me but her face turned all red. I had been putting us in an awkward situation. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say this."

"Like I said before, I was fat. No boy wants a fat girl. And I guess I had this depressed look on my face that made the boys run away." She answered honestly, like this question never had been awkward.

"What was your girlfriend's name?"

"You mean, the girl that ditched me because I was sick?" She nodded her head, "Kate..." I answered. My voice sounded like I was disgusted by her. I kinda was, though.

"You had other girlfriends before her?"

"I had some flirts. But Kate was the first girl I ever dated. And I ever loved." _But not the last one_, was my thought at that moment. "Now it's your turn!" I said. She thought about a question; she put her finger under her chin and tapped on it.

"Your biggest secret." She said.

"If I told you, it won't be a secret anymore." I said to her. She pouted at me, which made me break and confess the secret I tried to hold. "Definitely my tattoo."

"You have a tattoo?" She asked me. I could hear the excitement but shock in her voice. Who would expect that I, Edward Cullen, have a tattoo. Especially THAT tattoo. "Show me!" She said while crawling back towards me. She firstly took my arms and looked at them to look if she could find the tattoo. She couldn't find it there. She grabbed my shirt and tried to pull it off.

"You won't find it." I said to her.

"Then show me!" She said, letting my shirt go and sitting on her knees. I sighted and hesitated if it was a good idea to show it to her. Oh God, this was going to be awkward! Even more than the question I asked her before.

"You're sure you want to see it? It's not on a very common place, you know."

"As long as it isn't on your dick, it's ok to me." I smiled a bit stressful, making her think she was right. I took off the button of my jeans. "Ooookay Edward, I don't want to see it!" She put her hand in front of her eyes.

"No, it's not on my… not on that private part!" I said. I took of my boxershort and showed her my tattoo.

"YOU HAVE A TATTOO ON YOUR BUTT?" She asked without really expecting an answer. I felt the blood drain into my head, I was sure I looked as red as a tomato. Or maybe even more red. I put my trouser back on as I heard Bella shatter. The sound of her loud laugh was beautiful and made me forget what I just confessed to her. "Ok, you'll have to tell me how it comes you have a bear tattooed on your butt!" She said when she stopped laughing. She had tears in her eyes, though.

"You're sure?" I asked before starting my story. "We were at a party 4 years ago. I was getting drunk with my friends. I think it was at Jessica Stanley's birthday party or something. I actually don't remember a lot, you probably understand how drunk I was back then. All I know is that I woke up the next morning with a grizzly tattooed on my butt." Bella started to shatter again, tears were streaming down her face again. "But I guess I'm lucky. My best friend, Tom, has a huge Winnie The Pooh tattooed on his chest." Bella was literally rolling on the floor. She couldn't restrain her laugh and coughed. I couldn't help it and started to laugh myself.

"What's your secret?" I asked her, while we both tried to stop laughing.

"I don't have any." She said, while blinking the tears away that were all over her face.

"You don't have any awkward secret you want to tell me?" I asked her.

"My favorite animal is a moose." We laughed again before ending in a long silence. It seemed to me that there were a lot of silences between us. Maybe it was because I liked to stare at her and her beauty. And maybe it was because Bella was thinking _What a goof, I shouldn't be here with such a sad guy._ She was looking down at her hands. She was playing with her nails.

"And so the bear falls in love with the moose." I shushed to her. I still don't understand why I said that at the time. She pulled up her head, looking into my eyes. Her brown eyes were shining, like little diamonds.

"What a stupid moose."

"What a sick bear."

**I know in the original version, Edward says "what a sick, masochistic lion". But since I didn't know in what way Edward was being masochistic, I decided to take that away. If you liked the chapter, give me your review. And if you hated the chapter, give me your review too. I really need to**** know.**


	8. Butterflies

I was playing with the food on the plate that was standing right in front of me. I wanted to eat. Not that it looked good, it looked horrible, but because I was feeling better. I was feeling better since I met Edward. I hadn't thrown up my food since the day we first talked. I had been eating normally, without throwing up and without spilling anything. I finally ate without rushing to the toilet when no one was watching, and that was the most important. I even almost started to like the feeling of a full stomach.

But today I couldn't eat. I didn't eat in the morning, (I never did, though), I didn't eat at lunch, (and it was chicken nuggets. I loved chicken nuggets) and I still hadn't eat tonight. I was playing with the plastic fork, sticking it in every inch of the pizza that was standing on my plate. I stared at it. At the tomatoes, the onion, the cheese, the ham, the dough. I just stared at it, thinking about Edward. Shit, there were the butterflies again. They were flying all around in my stomach and my body. I felt my cheeks glow and my mouth smile. Yes, I was instantly smiling when I was thinking about him. I was instantly smiling when I was thinking about whatever COULD make me think about him. I was happy.

"_And so the bear falls in love with the moose_." Those words were running through my mind all the time since he said it to me. Those words hadn't been leaving my mind since exactly 22 hours and 12 minutes. And when I finally fell asleep, around 5a.m., I dreamed about those words. Wait, what if all of this was a dream? What if he actually never said he was falling in love with me? I threw the plastic fork down on the plate. I was angry because of my own thoughts.

No. No, it wasn't a dream. He really said those words and he really had a tattoo on his ass. It wasn't a dream, I knew it. I knew it because he didn't come to me today. I didn't see him all day long. I hoped it only was because he was shy. Oh God, what if he suddenly got sick? What if he actually was about to die? No, he probably got shy because of his words. Or because of what happened afterwards. I closed my eyes, trying to forget what happened after his love declaration.

"Bella, are you alright?" _Edward?_ Was the first thing I was thinking. _No, this isn't his voice. Oh no, let this be someone else. No please, let this not be who I think it is_. It was who I thought it was. I opened my eyes and saw him standing in the doorway.

"I'm fine." I said to him.

"You've said that before." He answered. "You said that the evening before you got into the hospital."

"What did I say?"

"That you were fine."

"Jake, what are you even doing here? Don't you have a party to attend? Aren't visit hours supposed to be over? I mean, it's already," I looked at the alarm clock my mom brought me. She knew my obsession with the time, "it's already 8 p.m." I sighed when I saw the number on the clock. It had been exactly one day since Edward said "_And so the bear falls in love with the moose_." It had been exactly one day since I hadn't seen Edward.

"What's wrong?" Jacob asked me. How could he know there was something wrong? Was my face that much of an open book? Or was it because of the tears that ran down my face? I wanted to talk about everything. I wanted it so badly. But how much I disliked Jacob, I didn't hate him enough to actually break his heart. I dried my tears.

"I'm fine." I said. Saying that big lie made me burst into tears. "I'm completely fine." No I wasn't fine. My heart was broken, but I was in love. I felt good for the first time in my life, but I felt bad at the exact same moment. My heart was crushed, but the butterflies were dancing through my stomach. I had to know. I had to know why Edward didn't come over today.

I jumped out of bed. I took my dressing gown and passed by Jacob. He was looking at me like in those comic books. I almost could see the question marks in his eyes. I slammed the door open and ran through the corridor. I ran but wasn't strong enough. But I ran, as fast as I could, without falling over my own feet.

I arrived in front of room 7169. Edward Cullen. I took a deep breath before putting my hand on the door handle. Should I knock first? Or should I just go inside? I should just go inside, right? No, it was more polite to knock first. Oh hell, what did I care?

I pushed my hand down, pulling the handle with me. I pushed the door and opened it. I had been making a whole speech in my head. Instead of saying what I was planning to say, I shut down. I only saw him, Edward, lying in his bed, with the sheets over his body, while reading his book. He wasn't really reading. He was starring at his page. It wasn't a surprise to me to see he was reading Wuthering Heights. But it was a surprise for him to see me standing in the doorway.

"Bella, are you alright?" He asked. He closed his book, tried to crawl out of his bed but was hold back because of the tubes in his arms and other strings on his body. "Bella have you been crying? Are you alright?" He asked again. I took a deep breath to, at least, try to stop crying. I failed.

"No. No Edward, I'm not ok. I…" I tried to find my words. Where were the ones I prepared? Instead of talking, I cried again. When did I become such a pussy? I hated myself for crying like that. I hated myself for showing I was weak.

"I…" He looked shocked, and lost. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to make me feel better? How should he express his feelings? "I just wanted to give you some space." He said. His throat was closed. His voice was almost unclear.

"But why?" I said. Oh God, I looked so stupid, so fragile. I tried to dry my tears with the sleeve of my dressing gown. But every time my cheek got dry, there were new tears making it wet again.

"You ran away after I told you I liked you!" I had the feeling everything in my body fell down on the ground. "You ran away after I told you I loved you." He said, more silently. "You ran away when I tried to kiss you." He looked down at the cover of his book. "That wasn't the answer I was waiting for."

"I'm sorry." I said very quietly. I was even wondering if he heard me. Neither of us was actually looking at each other.

"I thought you liked me." I heard he was trying to take a deep breath. He failed. "I was hoping you'd like me enough. That you like me, in a way stronger than friends."

"I like you. But I'm scared." Without knowing why, and still while watching at my fingers, I walked towards him. When I was standing next to his bed, I took the sheet and played with it.

"I'm sorry." He put his hand on mine, which made me look at him.

"Bella, it's ok. I don't blame you. And let's forget everything that happened since yesterday, ok?"

"Can I still remember the tattoo on your butt?" He laughed.

"Sure. If you promise to keep the secret." We smiled at each other. "Come." He slapped on the bed to make me understand I had to sit next to him. I put my head on his shoulder and looked at his book.

"What part were you reading?" He opened his book and started to read.

"_Catherine's face was just like the landscape-shadows and sunshine flitting over it in rapid succession; but the shadows rested longer, and the sunshine was more transient..."_ His sweet voice was reading to me. I felt his eyes looking at me. It felt good.


	9. Doesn't she love me?

"So, dad didn't agree for me to take you a can of Coke, just like you asked me," she plopped on my bed, "so I bought you a can of Fanta." I smiled at her. "There is fruit in it, you know." She said to me when she saw I hesitated to open the can. Dad was right, I shouldn't drink soda. It wasn't good for my illness. But I missed Coke so much. "What's wrong, Edward?" She asked me. She probably saw how I was feeling. She probably saw how heartbroken I was. This was a bad day. Yes, I was indeed feeling better and yes, my dad promised me I could leave the hospital soon enough. But I was feeling sad today. I was depressed and feeling alone, while I had my little sister coming over. I loved Alice so much. She was my friend and sister and though we could fight like animals, we still loved each other. I think the longest fight we ever had was three hours long and it was because I cut her Barbie's head. It wasn't on purpose! Well, at least, that was what I wanted to believe. But Alice couldn't make me feel better, not today.

"Edward, I can't guess what's wrong with you if you don't talk to me." She said to me. _God Alice, I want to talk to you. I want to talk about how crushed my heart is and how I feel right now. I wish I could find the words to explain everything. To explain what's going on in my head. But I can't. I can't find the words._ Instead of saying all of this, I opened my can and drank the sweet orange liquid. I sighed, thinking about Bella. "Edward." Alice said in a sigh. She understood I wasn't going to talk. "I saw Tom the other day." She said.

"Oh." I answered. I couldn't care less. I haven't seen my best friend, or better said my ex-best friend, in months. It's crazy how no one of my previous life actually cares about me. My girlfriend ditches me, my best friend forgets I exist. Why? It's not like I could contaminate them. It's not like they could get sick. So why wasn't I good enough for the people I loved?

"He has a new girlfriend." Alice continued. "I think it's the girl you were at the party with. What was her name again?"

"Alexandra." I was thinking back about the party. I was thinking about Alexandra's black hair and hispanic skin. I shook my head, trying to erase those bad memories. "Doesn't surprise me." I said to Alice. She looked at me. She knew what I was talking about. She probably remembered how broken I was, how I cried, how I did that one thing I will always regret.

Two years ago I was dating Kate for one year at that time. Some months before that, I heard I was sick. I already felt depressed and hoped on my girlfriends support. I hadn't been clubbing since the analysis. Kate explained to me how she went to a party with Tom and she ended up in bed with him. I was shocked and sad. I never ever expected that to happen. I remember her words:

"_Edward, I have to tell you something. I slept with Tom after a party. And with sleeping, I mean I had sex with him. I'm so sorry that happened. It will never happen again.__The thing is… I think I love him. But I love you more!"_

And I believed it. I forgave it and I didn't care she loved him, since she loved me more. It shouldn't have been a surprise to me to know she continued to have sex with him. She dumped me, saying it wasn't for Tom. It just was because "she couldn't see me slowly die". Alice and my entire family saw how I was getting worse. And Alice found me when I took those pills. She made me throw them up and promised to shut up about it. She was the only one who knew. And we'll never talk about it again.

"How's Jasper?" I asked.

"We are doing fine, thank you." She said. She instantly smiled and glowed talking about him. I was wondering if I looked like that too, when I was with Bella. "We went to the La Push beach yesterday. The sun was shining but it was cold, so he took me in his arms and we had a sheet on our bodies. It was perfect! Look how beautiful this picture is!" She showed me the background picture on heriPhone.

"It's beautiful. Do you have a new ring?" I asked her. I knew she was showing it to me in every single way. She wanted me to notice it.

"Yes! Jasper gave it to me. For our one year." She looked at it. At the little white stones around the silver circle. "And because he asked me to marry him when we'll be 18." Her cheeks turned red because she was blushing.

"What?" I screamed to her. "And you said yes?"

"Of course!" She answered. "We'll marry on the exact same day as he asked me to marry him. In exactly one year."

"And mom and dad?" I asked.

"They agree. You know how they love Jasper. He first asked dad, just like a gentlemen! He is so sweet!" She continued to look at her ring and turned it around her finger.

"You knew Alice was going to get married?" I asked Emmett as he walked into the room.

"Yeah, she already annoyed my ears off about how fantastic he is and how sweet he is and how perfect her wedding will be and all that crap. You going to eat this?" He asked to me as he took my sugar free pudding before I answered. "It sucks when you're not there, dude." Alice took one of my pillows and threw it towards Emmett's head. "Aw! Calm your tits, dudette! This crap is horrible. I'm going to eat something in the cafeteria." He left the room.

"What about you, Edward?" Alice asked me when Emmett slammed the door. I sighed. I really wanted to talk to Alice. I really wanted to. Why was my mouth so stubborn and refused to talk?

"I think I'm in love." I said to Alice. She looked at me, happy I was talking, sad because I was looking sad. "Well, actually, I don't know. I like her very much and I start to feel things in my body," she looked at me, "nothing disgusting, Alice! Gosh, keep your hormones shut!" I said. "I feel like I could be myself with her."

"But why is that a problem? She doesn't love you back?" Alice asked.

"No, I think she also likes me and starts to fall in love. It's just that I kind of told her I kind of was falling in love with her and I kind of tried to kiss her and she kind off pushed me away." I explained to Alice. I told her the entire story. I told her about the first time I saw her when she fell. I told her about the first time we talked, about our evening on the hospital roof. I told her about every single useless detail that was very important to me; her beautiful brown eyes and the way she smiles and the sound of her voice and the way she looks at me and the unimportant stuff I know about her. I talked about her illness but how better she is getting. I told her I could see her gaining more weight everyday, which gave me a proud feeling because in my head, it was because of me. I also told her about the way I told her I loved her. She laughed, she moaned, she nodded and shook her head but didn't say anything. She knew I needed to talk and speak my heart out.

"Why didn't you tell me anything earlier?" She asked when I was done talking. I looked at her, like I was saying _Seriously__Alice?Seriously?__That's all you care about?_ But I knew it wasn't what she cared about the most. She just wanted it to look less serious to me. Emmett walked into the room again, holding a chocolate bar in his hand.

"Edward's in love." Alice suddenly said to him. I looked her, punched her friendly.

"I know." Emmett answered.

"How?" We shouted at the same time.

"One of the nurses here told me. Or doctor. I don't know. Whatever." He answered like it was a normal thing to do. "Dr. Grey I think her name is."

"Dude, that's my doctor!"

"Why did she tell you that?" Alice questioned him.

"Because we made out in a little room."

"And Rose?" I asked.

"We broke up."

"Again." Alice joined in. I loved my family so much.

**So, I hope you guys liked the chapter and the story so far. I would love to hear (or read) all your critics and advices, just to know what I could or should change or add and tell me what's bad and what's good and what you like or hate about the story. So review please! **

**For this chapter, I decided to cut Bella out a bit (or to indirectly add her into the story) because I noticed we didn't hear Alice talk in the entire story.**


	10. Unconditionally and Irrevocably

_Beep… beep… beep…_ this sound was annoying me so much yet it made me feel better knowing he was alright. The hours he was in that O.R. were the longest hours of my life. I had been talking to him since he got back from the operating room. I had been talking to a sleeping body since he got back. Nurses came to tell me I had to leave and I came back, every single time. I couldn't support it if I was far away from him, and especially now. Because who said he wasn't going to collapse? Ok, doctors said he wasn't. But those were the same doctors saying I was bulimic and that Edward was going to die because of his illness. How stupid! That was stupid, right?

_Beep… beep… beep…_ a tall nurse with glasses and blonde hair entered the room. She looked at some numbers on the monitors, wrote them on a paper, she looked at Edwards scar on his abdomen, changed the bandages and was about to leave when I stopped her. "Excuse me miss, but is it normal he didn't wake up since he is back? He's been back," I looked down at my watch, "three hours."

"Yes it's perfectly normal. That's what the drugs do. He'll wake up soon." I was waiting for her to end her sentence.

"Aren't you going to tell me to leave his room?" I asked her after some long seconds.

"No. I think it's good you're here." She smiled to me and left the room quietly. I looked back at Edward. He was still lying in the same position, having a natural smile on his lips. I wanted to kiss him so badly. I wanted to pass my hand through his hair. I wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted him to touch me.

_Beep… beep… beep…_ this waiting was too long to survive! I hope the nurse was right and that the drugs made him sleep so long. I looked around to do something. I took his book that was standing next to his bed. I opened the book on my favorite chapter and started to read it out loud. Maybe it would entertain Edward a bit.

"_It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same._" I laughed quietly. I loved this story so much and I was so happy I found someone to share my love with. I continued to read the words. "_If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and hewere annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it._"

Tears were filling my eyes and fell down my cheeks. I read this tons of times, always loved this part, but I never cried. I never had this reaction. I had the feeling that I finally understood what Catherine said. It was the first time I felt connected to one of the characters. And I also finally understood what I was feeling since the day I met Edward. Since the first time I laid my eyes on him. I loved him. And not because of his beauty, because he surely was very handsome and beautiful, but he is me. He and I were almost the same person. Wasn't that what was called a soul mate?

_Beep… beep… beep… beep beep beep beep beep beep…_ There was something wrong, very wrong! I immediately called a nurse. "HELP HELP!"

"What's wrong with him!" I screamed to the 3 nurses that ran into the room. "What's wrong!" I was panicking, my whole body was burning, and my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Dr. Robbins entered the room, which made me even more scared. There definitely was something wrong with him!

"Robbins, speak to me! What's wrong!" I screamed to her. I was so angry and so scared.

"There is nothing wrong, Bella. He just needed some more drugs against the pain." She looked at me, drilling her eyes into mine. She was angry, unhappy because I was here. "Now you really have to go to your room." She left the room and walked with me towards my own room. As soon as she closed my door, I waited some minutes before leaving the room and goingback to Edward. I wasn't going to leave him tonight.

"So, you haven't slept all night?" He asked me.

"Nope." I shook my head.

"And you have been with me all night long?"

"Yes, sir." It was silent for some minutes. I looked into his eyes; I had missed their green color so damn much.

"I dreamed of you." He said, breaking the silence. I felt the butterflies in my stomach fly around. They were making a synchronized dance. My mouth wanted to smile but I tried to maintain it. I didn't want to seem stupid. "You're cute when you blush." He stroke his hand on my cheek.

"What was your dream about?" My voice was breaking as I asked him. He daren't to look at me. He breathed in very deeply before talking.

"You were sitting next to me. I was looking at you, while you were reading from Wuthering Heights. You were reading my favorite part, while I was listening to you."

"Edward, that wasn't a dream. I was really reading for you. And I was reading from chapter 9, my favorite chapter."

"You got to be kidding me." He said, almost sounding shocked. I looked at him, surprised. "It also is my favorite chapter!" We laughed together, our voices mixed together. And again, we were silent.

I looked at his face. I looked at his pink lips.

"Sit still. I want to try something." I said something. I sat down next to him on his bed, turning my head towards his. I slowly put my head closer to his, leading my lips towards his. I bit my lip before continuing my way. I wanted to close my eyes but didn't. I spread my lips. There I was, standing with my face one inch away from his face. None of us was moving. We both stood still. I felt my heart racing in my chest. Edward probably could hear it pounding like a crazy.

I wanted to continue my way towards his soft and pink lips. But I couldn't. I was scared.

Suddenly, without even knowing why, without even noticing it, I kissed him. I really kissed him. First gently and short. But he wouldn't let me go. He slowly started to open his mouth. My lips were moving with his. It felt like it was a perfectly synchronized dance that our lips had practiced many times. It felt right, very right. Our lips were a perfect match, as meant to touch each other. The butterflies in my stomach suddenly left, they were floating all around my body. I felt my lip tingle. But what I felt the most were his touches on my body and the warmth of his hands on my face. He was breathing fast and loudly. So was I.

He pulled me towards him. I felt what he was doing. I felt that I didn't agree with that. I tried to stop it. I wanted our kiss to last but I didn't want THAT. I found a way to relieve my body from his strong grip. I made a step backwards, looking at him.

"I… I'm so sorry." He said. His voice sounded frustrated. Not because I left but because he did what he did. He did what he knew I didn't want him to do. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm too strong but not strong enough." I was in trance. I couldn't move, nor think. I mechanically turned around, walking towards the door of his room.

"Please, don't leave." He said. I turned to look at him. I wasn't going to leave. As much as my mind told me to leave, my hearts screamed I had to stay with him. I crawled back on the bed, like I usually do. I put my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. I closed my eyes while he stroke his hand through my hair. I was falling asleep in his arms.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was sick. Second, there was a part of him- and I didn't know how potent that part might be- that was going to die. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

**Don't forget to review :') I desperately need your opinion! **


	11. Here, by my side

I was looking through my window. I saw rain falling out of the big, dark and thick clouds that were covering the sky of Seattle. The raindrops falling on my window looked like teardrops. I remembered when I was a little kid and was playing a game with raindrops on windows. I mentally bet on what raindrop was going to disappear as first. I heard the hard wind smashing the rain against the cold window from my hospital room. The grey sky from Washington couldn't crash my mind; I was in a happy mood. I was smiling for 1 week and 2 days now. I saw the entire world into a pink color. The world was different to me. It was like all the bad in the world disappeared and only the good things remained. Edward. Edward was the good thing.

"Good morning, Bella." Dr. Robbins said as she walked in. She opened the file she was holding in her hands and wrote some notes down, before looking at me and smiling brightly at me.

"Are you sure it's still morning?" I asked, though I knew it was only 10 am. She laughed because of my remark and continued her weekly check up.

"You know what you have to do, young lady." She said and winked. I took off the sheets from my body and sat on the side of my bed. Dr. Robbins put her hands on my naked body and started to feel the bones from my shoulders, my spine, my ribs and my legs. She wrote something down on her paper and continued her work. She took her stethoscope and listen to my heart and the way I was breathing, and wrote her results in my file again. She made me open my mouth and looked at it. She already explained to me she could check like that if I had been throwing up. She smiled brightly as she wrote down I hadn't been throwing up.

"Are you ready?" She asked me. I nod, I was ready and stood on my steady feet. I walked towards the white scale that was standing on the ground, right next to the window. I looked at Dr. Robbins' stressed face. She knew how hard it was going to be for me. She knew I needed someone to support me. We both ignored how I was going to react at the look of my weight on the scale. I was used to see the numbers on the scale go down. I was used to see very low numbers showing up. I closed my eyes, took deep breath and hold the air into my lungs. I heard the sound of footsteps coming closer. Someone else was in my room. I thought it was a nurse, until I felt fingers between mine. I looked at my hand and followed the arm that was holding my hand. At the end of the arm, I was happy to discover Edward. I instantly hugged him and cried. I was so weak but he didn't care. And if he didn't care, I didn't care.

I felt his arms around my body, holding me very tight; it was barely impossible to breathe. I didn't have to breathe. I only needed Edward's body and his love. I felt his lips pushing on my hair, which turned my body into fire. He tried to look into my red eyes. With his thumb, he dried to tears from my face and pushed away the wet hair, to put it behind me ear. We didn't have to talk; I knew why he was here. He knew how hard this was going to be and he decided to help me out. He was so sweet, so nice, everything the perfect boy had to be. He pushed his lips softly on mine and stayed there for a long time. I closed my eyes and enjoyed his touches and his warm lips on mine. I wished our kisses lasted forever. He took my hand and looked even more deeply into my eyes.

"I'm here." He simply said. I turned my body back to the scale and looked at it, like it was going to eat me or murder me. I closed my eyes again, took another deep breath and hold it in my lungs, while putting one foot on the scale, before adding the second one. Seconds passed, but they seemed like hours to me. I tried to picture myself outside in the garden, reading in the sun, resting my head on Edward's chest, while he gently stroke my hair.

Edward's hand was squeezing mine before Dr. Robbins said I could open my eyes. I wanted to open them, just to make both of them proud of what I accomplished. I wanted to open them but they refused. I ordered my stupid brain to open my eyes but he was very stubborn and didn't open them. _Listen, you motherfucker brain! You are going to open those stupid eyes, so I can freak out. I really need to see those goddamn numbers on that asshole of a scale so open my douche bag eyes!_ The cursing in my head was continuing until I heard Edward.

"Bella. Open them." Edward's sweet and melodic voice told me. My eyes slowly opened, and stared through the window. They refused to look down at the numbers showing in front of my toes. _Oh, now you want to open, right? Stupid brain of mine!_ Edward squeezed in my hand again and I slowly let my head look down. My brain wasn't recording the numbers. Those were just numbers to me, nothing more. I couldn't say what that 1 was doing in front of the 0. The only thing my mind told was that I gained weight. Not because he finally registered the numbers, but because my hand felt the sweet squeeze from Edward's moist hand. I looked up, at his face and crooked smile. He was proud of me and what I managed to do. I looked down again, trying to understand why he was this happy. And then I understood those numbers. 108 lbs. I weighted 108 lbs. I gained 15 lbs in 1 month. How I managed to do that, I have no idea. Yes, I had an idea. I stopped throwing up, thanks to Edward. I jumped off the scale, into his arms and kissed him passionately, wrapping my legs around his waist and striking his hair with my fingers. I forgot Dr. Robbins was with us, but I couldn't care less. She must be happy with my reaction, though.

"Thank you." I whispered to Edward.

"You don't need to thank me. You did it all yourself. Congratulations." He said before closing his eyes and kissing me again, pressing my body closer to his. I felt his sweet lips moving synchronized with mine. I felt his warm breath mix with mine that was accelerating. The blood in my veins was flowing fast and burned. My entire body was warm and my heart was racing as fast as a fast car. But I didn't care. I didn't care about all the side effects of love. I only cared that I loved Edward, no matter how my body was reacting.

"I'm going to call your parents. We have some things to discuss." Dr. Robbins said, like it was normal to see 2 teenagers kiss passionately together. Edward let me go and set my feet again on the ground. Dr. Robbins looked at me and smiled, before holding me in her arms for a brief minute and left, congratulating me one last time.

The rest of the day, I stayed with Edward in my bed, talking about stupid things and kissing.

It was around 3 pm when my mother walked in my room again. Her panicked face told me that Dr. Robbins told her nothing. She didn't notice Edward as asking me 3 times if I was alright and that Dr. Robbins scared her because she said we had to talk, the four of us. I tried to calm her down as good as possible but my mom continued to panic. My father acted like he was calm, but I could tell on the lines of his face he was almost as panicked as my eccentric mother. I tried to find a moment between her words to introduce Edward, but continued talking about Dr. Robbins phone call.

"Mom. Mom. Mom. Renee!" Only when I had pronounced her name, she shut up and seemed to notice Edward, who was still lying next to me, astonished. "I'm fine. Better than that. Please stop panicking." I looked at Edward and smiled. He instantly understood I wanted him to do something.

"Sorry, I think we haven't met yet. I'm Edward." He said and lend his hand to my extremely happy mother and extremely frustrated father. My mom looked at me, with a look on her face like she was saying _good choice sister. He is hot._ My father's look was a bit different, like it was saying _hurt her hear and I'll break your face and put you in jail._

"Edward is…" I hesitated. It was the first time I said that word out loud, "Edward is my boyfriend." I swallowed some saliva and had Goosebumps on my arms. I looked at my father. I was scared for his reaction, but he didn't react. My mom instantly kissed his cheeks, before looking at him again, from top to toe. I was happy when Dr. Robbins entered the room.

"Good afternoon!" She said. I could tell she was happy to announce some good news. She asked Edward to leave, since this was going to be a private conversation. He kissed me softly before leaving the room. The kiss was a very awkward moment.

"I have some good news for you. Bella gained 15 lbs in a month, which is very good. We think she got over her bulimia and think she's strong enough to go back home. I would say she shouldn't return to school before another month. It will be very hard psychologically for her to be back home. Also, not too much exercise for this lady but she really needs fresh air. I also would love to see her back every 2 months to run the tests. And please, don't let her stand on a scale until then. That could help a depression develop and that she's going back to her old condition. She can leave in 2 days and I'll be planning the next appointment in 2 months." She shook my parents hands and waved at me. My mother was crying out of happiness and my father tried to keep his tears in, but totally failed.

I was finally going home!

**I want to thank everyone who reads my fanfic and who reviews and favorites it. It really means a lot to me. Thank you so much! I need to say that next update will probably come later than usual, because I have some exams to prepare and stuff and I haven't written chapter 12 already. So, be patient **


	12. Let me sign

**I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in the story but I've put this up before my beta could edit it. So, dear beta, I'm sorry but I really wanted to post this! I'm sorry the update took so long. Have fun reading!**

The look in Edward's eyes when I told him the big news wasn't leaving my mind. His words said he was very happy for me because he knew how I was feeling here, but his eyes betrayed the pain he was feeling inside. We promised each other to talk as positive as possible about it and forgetting I wasn't going to be around as often as I used to. That didn't mean I wasn't going to come back, just for him. Jacob also heard about my coming back. He promised to stay with me when my parents were going to work. I told him hundreds of times he didn't have to stay, he probably had other things to do, but he wasn't listening to me.

I pushed the elevator button and waited until the elevator doors opened for me. He arrived and I entered it. I was alone with a boy. Or man. I couldn't tell how old he was but he probably looked older than he was. His hair was very short and he had a pale skin. His hair was lighter than black but darker than brown. But the thing that caught me the most was his eyes. He had dark green eyes that instantly got me stuck.

"Hi." He said to me as he saw I was starring. I blinked and looked the other way. I felt him come closer to me and tap on my shoulder. He was standing very close to me and smiled. I was happy to see the elevator stop at the floor of Edward's room. I wasn't running but I was walking fast. I opened the door and saw a girl standing next to his bed.

"Shit." She said as she closed the box she was holding in her arms. She was obviously showing something to Edward. They both had a look on their faces that made me realized they felt busted. Who was that girl? I don't know but all I knew was that she was beautiful. She had short, brown hair and the same green eyes than Edward. She was very small and thin but extremely attractive. Was she Kate? No, her green eyes betrayed who she was. She was Edward's little sister.

Edward smiled brightly at me as he introduced me to Alice. He couldn't let his eyes off of me but I couldn't stop looking at Alice her beauty. She was… she was the female version of her brother. She was beautiful. I was lucky she was just his sister or he'd let me fall for her. I probably looked like a monster compared to her. She had perfect legs, she had perfect, short hair, she had the perfect green eyes, just like her brother. She had that perfectly flat belly that every girl would kill for, she had a very pale skin that was bright at the same time. She didn't look dead like I was looking. She also had a great taste for fashion, as she was wearing those beautiful black Vans with a black trouser and a simple top above it. It was official; I was jealous of Edward's little sister.

"Hi, Bella!" She said at me. She had perfect white teeth that were standing next to each other. I could tell as she was smiling at me. "I feel like you and I will be great friends!" Shit, even her voice sounded perfect. Was there something that wasn't perfect about her? Even her freckles were perfectly willing. "I'm just going to let you both some quality time. I have to call Jasper, by the way." She gave Edward and I a quick kiss on our cheeks and left the room after waving at us. I sighted, relieved her beauty left the room.

"Jasper is her fiancé." Edward explained to me. "Now you met my little sister." I nod, still shocked.

"She's…" I started my sentence.

"Eccentric?"

"No, not really."

"Well, she is."

"Maybe, but it's not what I wanted to say." I smiled but Edward must have seen how destabilized I was. "She's extremely beautiful."

"Well, I can't judge on that one." He said. He took my hands and kissed them both. I felt his hand pulling me closer to him. I crooked a smile as he took my face between his hands. "Hey, she's my sister, Bella. You're the most beautiful girl on earth for me." I couldn't help but smile. "And look what she made for you." He showed me the box that Alice was holding in her hands when I opened the door. Edward opened it for me, showing 4 cupcakes. Words were written on the top of the cupcakes, in graceful letters. Every cupcake had a different color. Congratulation, was written in green. I, was written in blue. Love, was written in red. You, was written in yellow. _Congratulation, I love you._

"That's the cutest thing ever, Edward!" I said to him. I sat next to him and kissed his lips. His lips were nice to kiss today. Not that they usually weren't but there was something special in his kisses today. I couldn't tell what it was but I liked it and felt sad when he stopped. He took the cupcake with 'Love' written on it and put a little piece in my mouth. I did the same thing with another piece of the cupcake and kissed him.

"Oh my God!" I screamed. Edward looked at me, panicked and astonished. "This is so good!" The vanilla taste of the cupcake was very pleasant in my mouth. It was perfectly moist and fat and rich. "Did Alice make them?" I asked as I took another bite of the cake. Edward nod his head, he couldn't speak because of the piece I just put in his mouth again. Is there something Alice couldn't do? Is there really anything that makes her a little less perfect? I bet there wasn't.

I could read something on Edward's face. Was it pain? No, he was scared. Scared for what?

"What's wrong, Edward?" I whispered. I took his face in my hands and forced him to look into my eyes.

"I'm scared to lose you. You are leaving soon and I'm really happy for you! But I'm scared you won't be able to come to visit me. I'm scared I won't see you again." I shook my head but the way Edward was holding my hands frightened me. "I don't want this to end, Bella! I really don't want that! You were here when no one else was. You gave me love like no one else ever loved me. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to give up on us. And now it sounds like I don't want you to be better." He sighted, "I love you. I just don't want to lose you."

That was the first time I realized how much I really loved him. I always knew I loved him, but I never realized I couldn't live without him. I also never realized how far Forks was from Seattle.

"You won't lose me. Never. I'll always be there. I'll come by as often as I can. We'll call every day. We can Skype. We will be far away but close at the same time." I felt the tears popping into my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of him. It would ruin this day. "I have to go to the bathroom." I jumped off the bed and rushed towards the bathroom. I locked the door and started to cry. I tried to be quiet, to stop the sounds coming out of my mouth. I looked around, saw the toilet. If I threw up again, I could stay and everything would be alright again. No! No, I managed to stop and I won't start again! Edward would be so disappointed and I just can't do that to him. Instead of throwing up, I took a piece of toilet paper and dried my tears. I waited until my eyes stopped swelling and looked brown again instead of red, and came out of the room. I looked at Edward's face. It was like he looked into my mind because his look betrayed that he was scared I had been throwing up. To prove him wrong, I sat on the bed again and took another cupcake. I smiled as I said I was alright.

"What are we going to do?" I asked him when I laid my head on his chest. His fingers were striking through my hair.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"What were you doing before I came?"

"I was listening to music with Alice."

"Well, then, let's listen to music." I took his iPod and looked at the song he was listening to. "_Let me sign_? I don't know that song."

"Argh, it's from my little sister's favorite singer. Robert Pattinson." I pressed on play and heard a long intro before a man started to sing. His voice was broken and soft but lovely at the same time. He didn't have the same voice as most of the singers; his voice wasn't extremely high or low. His British accent made the song have this British touch I loved. No, his voice was perfect. Almost as perfect as Edward's voice. I continued to listen to the songs Edward had on his iPod, switching the songs I disliked and singing along the songs I loved. We laughed and kissed and hugged and sang.

Our romantic date was interrupted by Edward's family that entered his room. I recognized Alice and Dr. Cullen. They were accompanied by a woman. She was beautiful, had Edward's eyes and thin. You could tell she was rich but not a bitchy rich woman. She kissed Edward on his forehead and introduced herself as Esmé, his mother. She looked too young to be his mother, though. A boy entered the room a bit later, in a rush. We both were shocked as we recognized each other.

"You're the girl from the elevator!" He screamed towards me. "What are you doing here?"

"She's Bella, Emmett. You know, Edward's girlfriend?" Alice explained to Emmett. She smiled and winked. Was that supposed to means something to me, or was it just a private joke between the Cullen-family?

"I tried to hit on her in the elevator!" He screamed. Alice started to laugh.

"You're such a womanizer!" Edward said. He didn't look angry.

Dr. Cullen asked me to leave because they had to talk about Edward's situation. I kissed him, though I still thought it was awkward, and left. The entire walk back towards my room, I was thinking about Edward and how I was going to survive without him in Forks. I entered my room and lay on my bed. I suddenly remember my thoughts in Edward's room. That was the answer. It was a bad idea, but it was the best I found. I rushed to the bathroom, didn't even take the time to close the door, stood on my knees and pushed my green toothbrush down my throat. Just as before.

**No, Bella, no! Well, I hope you had fun reading this chapter, as much as I had writing it! Don't forget to check out next chapter because it will be big! I won't spoil you guys, though! And thank you for every nice review and every nice tweets about this fanfic You guys are the best! I also wanna thank my best friend for the idea for this chapter! Don't like it? Blame it on her ;)**


	13. New Moon

I was moving my fingers over the strings, striking them with my right hand and pushing on them with the left one. The noise that was coming out of the instrument was soft and lovely. It instantly made me think of the one I wrote it for; Bella. The song was reflecting my love and sorrow. I was trying to stay concentrated as I heard someone enter the room. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone with all the pain in my body. I wanted to play the pain away with music. Just me and my guitar.

"It's beautiful." Alice said as she jumped on the bed, causing me to play a wrong note. I sighted. That was typical to my sister. Never leaving me alone when I really needed it. She probably was scared to leave me alone with all the pain in my body. "What is it called?"

"It has no name. It's just something I wrote."

"For Bella?" She already knew the answer. "Why don't you call it Bella's Lullaby?" Bella's lullaby. Why not? It was for Bella. It was soft and sweet. It could be a lullaby. Yes, it was Bella's Lullaby. It was my Bella's Lullaby. I started again. Pushed on the strings, stroke them. The same sound as before was coming out of the instrument.

"Edward, everything will be alright." Alice said in a sigh, when I was done playing my song.

"How do you want things to be alright, Alice? Seriously, how? I won't see her again. I love her, I finally found joy in my life, and they take it away from me again. Do you know how far Phoenix and Forks are from each other?" I screamed to her. We sighed at the same moment, when we both remembered my father's words.

"_I have good news and bad news." He said, "your surgery wasn't a big success. Well, it was but not as big as we hoped. I've talked with Dr. Weber and we've decided to count you in for another trial. In Arizona this time. We could do it here, but the equipment we need is way too expensive for this hospital." He came closer to me and shook my entire body while saying, "we are getting closer, son! You are getting cured!" Everybody in the room was enthusiastic. Everybody, except me and Alice. Alice knew what was flying through my head at that moment. The hand she put on my shoulder was the most comforting gesture in this situation. It made me know that someone was with me in this hard time._

"_I don't want this." I said to my father._

"_Of course you want this." Both of my parents answered. No, I didn't want this. I still don't want this._

"_I'm doing all I can, Edward! I'm doing everything I can to help you out of this. To make your life better! And how do you thank me? I love you, Edward. You're my son, for God's sake! It's because I care about you that I'm doing this!" He started to scream and making angry gestures with his arms._

"_I won't do it, dad! I'm not going to Arizona!"_

"_You are going to Arizona! I'm not letting you choose!"_

"_I'm old enough to choose myself and I'm choosing to stay here!"_

"_You are going to Arizona!" He repeated. He looked at Alice and understood what was going on. What the reason was for my refuse. "Oh, it's for that girl, huh? Well, first of all, it probably is just a little crush. AND," he screamed when he saw I was going to interrupt him, "and if it is not, then I'm sure your relationship can deal with it. Won't she be happy to be with someone healthy? You are going to Arizona. We are leaving as soon as possible."_

And those words crushed my whole life. Arizona. Another state. Far, far away from Bella. How was I going to explain that to her? And when was I going to tell it? I took my guitar, put it in its bag and jumped out of my bed. I put clothes on and left the room, together with my guitar. I heard Alice asking where I was going, but I wasn't paying attention to her. I continued my way, until the top of the building. Cars were rushing through the streets, people were walking and looked at the shops, birds were eating crumbs from the floor, and the polluted air was rushing through my hair and into my nose. I needed that air so badly. I had to breathe it. It smelled extremely bad but my body was reclaiming air. I put my guitar down and crumbled on the ground. I put my arms around my legs and put them against my waist, while I started to cry. I cried and cried and couldn't stop. I looked like a pussy, but I didn't care. I was alone and I was broken. I just had to cry. I had the feeling my lungs were going to leave my body.

The crying stopped. Finally. I looked in front of me, my eyes looked at the horizon. I wasn't looking at something in particular, but it made me forget what was going on in my mind. I was leaving. I had to leave, I didn't have the choice. I had to leave the one I loved and to leave her alone. She was so weak. She was finally getting better and desperately needed me but I couldn't help her anymore, because I had to leave.

"Here you are! I was looking for you everywhere!" I recognized her voice. My body turned into a mess when I realized I had to tell her. "Edward?" she must have seen something was wrong. I refused to look at her. I just couldn't look at her beautiful face. I felt her hand on my shoulder and her finger on my neck. I closed my eyes to enjoy her touches.

"Come here." I took her hips and pulled her towards me. She sat on my lap. I looked into her eyes and kissed her. I pressed my lips hard on hers and opened my mouth softly. I hesitated before entering my tongue into her mouth. She let me do, wrapping her fingers into my hair. My tongue found hers and she started to play with it. She was the master this time. I kept my eyes closed when our kiss was finished. I just couldn't manage to open them. I suddenly remembered I took my guitar with me.

"Can you give me my guitar, please?" She lends her hand and grabbed it, before handing it to me.

"I didn't know you play the guitar." I smiled a little bit when I showed her my guitar.

"You know how to play?" She shook her head. "It's easy, you'll see. Just sit like this and take it in your arms." I laid her hands on it. Her left hand on the strings she had to play on, her right hand ready to strike them. I played the song with her hands, moving her fingers carefully on the strings. The same sound as before came out of the instrument, but in broken parts. She laughed and smiled and looked happy of what she managed to do. When we arrived at the end of the song, I took her hands of the guitar and started to play it myself.

"It's so beautiful." She said when I was done. "What is it? I've never heard it before."

"It's Bella's Lullaby." I explained to her. She looked surprised when she noticed her name and understood it was a song written for her. I sighed. The moment came I had to tell her the bad news.

"I need to tell you something." I said. I didn't want my voice to sound so serious.

"You are married." She said. I laughed. God, I wish it was just that. I shook my head. "You fell in love with that sexy doctor. What's her name again? Bailey!" I felt the laugh escape my mouth. I saw Dr. Bailey in front of me. Yeah, she was far from being very sexy. I cleared my voice and said:

"My surgery was less successful than we hoped. Well, that the doctors hoped."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I have to leave the hospital." Bella looked at me like she didn't understand what I was saying. "It means that my father wants to try a new trial and I have to leave the hospital… because I have to go to Arizona." I felt like a huge rock was being threw on my chest. I felt like my heart was made of glass.

"I don't understand." Bella looked broken. She looked lost and didn't know what to say anymore. She was speechless, couldn't find the right words. "No." Was the only thing she said. Just one, little, meaningful word. Just "No".

"No, I'm not leaving you." She said. "No, I don't want you to leave. No, you're not leaving me."

"I'm…" I'm what? Sorry? I was sorry, but what could that word help? I'm broken? That wasn't probably what she wanted to hear. I'm not leaving? That was a lie. I had to leave. I didn't have the choice. I took her crying face between my hands, but she shook it. She was angry at me. Why? I couldn't help it! Why was she being so irrational? But then I noticed she wasn't irrational. She was broken. She was sad. She was everything I was.

"I usually run away from people who'll hurt me. I never thought you'd be one of them. I should have run away sooner." She said, before trying to leave. I took her hand and pulled her towards me again. She crashed into my arms and started to cry loudly.

"It's going to be alright." I repeated that sentence tons of times. I tried to believe it myself. She looked at me.

"Bella, I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul."

"That's not original." She said, "You got it from Wuthering Heights." And she left.

**I would like to thank everyone (again) for all the sweet things you send to me! I get a lot of sweet tweets from a lot of you (and never got someone saying it's bad, yaaay!) I hope you still like the story.**

**I don't think you guys expected this to happen. Don't forget to check out for the next chapters to know how Bella is going to deal with this ;)**

**Xoxo Laure.**


	14. No Goodbye At All

She was crying in my arms. I felt her body moving with the new tears that were streaming down her face. I knew she tried to restrain them, to be strong so I wouldn't feel bad. I tried to say sweet words to her: "It's going to be fine." and "Don't worry, I'll come back." and "Just be strong, ok? I'll be here." and touched the place where her heart was. I looked into her red eyes and wet face. Her make-up was all over my white shirt. "Just, be sure to listen to your father." I sighed and laughed. She said that a thousand times already.

"He wants what's best for you, Edward. He's devastated because of your condition."

"I know." I looked down, at her high heels. She took my face between her hands and looked deeply into my eyes and crooked a smile.

"I love you, Edward."

"I love you too, mom." She started to cry again and pulled me hard into her arms. Alice arrived and pushed my shoulder.

"Get better." She said. She saw the look on my face. "She'll come, don't worry." I hoped Alice was right, but I doubted it. I hadn't heard about Bella since I told her I had to leave for Arizona. I didn't know what it meant. Was it over between us? The idea broke my heart. No, I refused to think it was all over. It wasn't over between us. We were going to survive this. I was going to a new hospital, I was coming back in some months and we'll continue where we were. I buried my face into my hands and shook my head. This was never going to work.

"I hate dad for not letting me come with you." Alice said, interrupting my thoughts.

"You have to go to school." I said, imitating my father's words. "I wish you could come with me." I explained to her. I heard the door from my room open and hoped it was Bella. I was disappointed when I saw my father.

"Come on, Edward. The helicopter is waiting on the roof," he took all my stuff, the bags that my mom was holding in her arms and walked away. I looked behind me all the time, checking if Bella wasn't standing behind me. I wanted it to be like in movies. She'll come to me and run towards me in the pouring rain. I was disappointed to see the sun was shining high. The helicopter was making a lot of wind. My mother's dress was flying around, causing her to look like Marilyn Monroe. My father put our bags in the helicopter before saying bye to my family. He kissed my mother passionately. As much as I disliked my father for pushing me through all this, I admired his relationship with my mother. They met in horrible situations. My father was in his first year of med' school and had to do some internship. He met my mother at the hospital, when she fell from a cliff because she wanted to commit suicide after losing her kid. She was only 17 back then. She started to date him when she still was at the hospital and they immediately lived together. My mother always said she had the feeling she found her soul mate when she met him. I never understood what she meant, until now.

I hugged Alice for a very long time, before stepping into the helicopter. My father's look betrayed how proud he was. I wanted to punch him. To slap him so hard! I wanted to jump out of the helicopter that was flying high in the air. I wanted to jump and walk towards Bella and stay with her until we grow old. I wanted to promise her I was always staying by her side.

We arrived on the roof of Arizona's hospital. I saw doctors wait for the helicopter to land. My father took me by the arm, while helping me to step out. Another doctor, a woman, helped me to sit in a wheelchair, while my father took the luggage. The walls inside the hospital were all painted white, like in most of the hospitals. My father was talking to the five doctors that were walking with us. I understood nothing of what they said. Doctor stuff. I could tell they were excited to try a new treatment on someone. We walked inside the little room that was going to be my room for the next months. Year, maybe? Who could tell it. I was happy to discover there was a TV inside.

"We already had some good results out of it." Said the woman that helped me onto the wheelchair.

"You think it will work on Edward too?" My father asked her. She took my file and nod her head.

"Yeah, looks fine." She smiled at me. She had a pretty smile, very warm. She had her black, short hair knotted together and looked awake, not like the other doctors I already met. "We'll run some tests tomorrow. Try to get some sleep now." She said before leaving my room.

"This is going to be good!" My father said, while unpacking my stuff. "You'll be cured and we can go home in some months. Isn't this exciting?" I didn't answer. I took my phone out of my pant pocket. I wanted to see if I had any messages but my father was faster than I am and took the phone out of my hands.

"You know you can't use a phone in the hospital!"

"You take me away from my girlfriend, the only one I love, and now you take away the only way I have to communicate with her?"

"Don't talk to me like that, son!" He started to scream at me again. I wish my dad and I could just sit down together and talk, instead of screaming to each other all the time. I wanted a normal relationship with my father. He stashed all my clothes in the closet and wanted to leave the room.

"Dad!" I said when his hand touched the handle.

"I'm sorry Edward. I'm sorry that you can't see that I'm actually trying to help you." He looked at me, showing all his pain he got. I could see it in his eyes. He was drilling his eyes into mine, making me feel as bad as he was feeling.

"I'm just…" I looked at my fingers while trying to find the right words to say to him, "I'm just tired, dad. It has been 4 years now. Doing one unsuccessful treatment after the other. It's just too much for me. I don't want to do this anymore."

"Do you prefer to die?"

"Aren't you overacting, just a tiny little bit?" I asked. I tried to unlock a smile from his face but his lips weren't moving.

"No, Edward. You're feeling good now, because you're young. But let me tell you, it will get worse. You already have to be careful with what you eat and drink. Do you think you can handle that for another 40, maybe 50 years? If you even get that far." I wanted to contradict what he was saying, but he stopped me and continued his speech. "You want me to tell what will happen with you in the future?" He wanted me to answer, but I didn't had the choice to the answer to give him, so I nod my head to approve. "You'll start with being tired and losing all the energy in your body. After that, you'll lose balance. It will get worse and worse and it will look like nothing your arms and legs do are coordinated. In the worse cases of diabetes, people are losing the function of one eye. Sometimes even both!"

"But that's in the worse case." I said.

"You're the worse case, Edward. I don't think you know how sick you actually are."

"I'm scared, dad." There, I said it. I finally said out loud what I was holding inside of me for 4 years. I was scared. I was terrified. I didn't want to die. I wanted to stay alive and live a normal life. I never said that out loud. To anybody. Not even to Bella. Not even to Kate, back then. Not even to Alice. And God knows I always tell everything to Alice. But not that I was scared. Scared to not be cured, scared to be sick until the end of my life, scared to never heal again, scared of never being able to live a normal life. Scared to die. My father walked towards me and sat on my bed.

"I'm scared too. That's why I'm doing all I can, as a doctor, to actually save you." We remained quiet for some minutes. "I'm sorry if you had the feeling I took you away from your girlfriend." Silence, again. "You really love her, don't you?" I nod my head. Yes, I loved her. So much.

"I just don't know what I mean to her now. She didn't even wave me goodbye." My father put his hand in his pocket and took my phone out of it. "I felt it vibrating, half an hour ago. You should check, maybe it's her."

"Nah, it's probably Alice. Or mom. To ask if we arrived well."

"If it isn't Bella, then you should call her. I need to go. I have a surprise for you." It felt weird to have such a long talk with my father. A talk where we didn't scream. An actually father-son talk. My heart skipped a beat when I looked at my phone. _Bella._ I opened the message

_I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ran away and I'm sorry I didn't come to you when you left. You took my heart when you left, just be sure to give it back to me when you're coming back. You're more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same. I love you. Come back soon, ok?_

I laughed, remembering the words from Catherine to Nelly in Wuthering Heights. I pushed on the reply button

_Oh, and you call me unoriginal? I forgave you, love. I love you more than my words can possibly say. I'll come back to you. Healthy or not. And don't forget, I'm taking care of your heart._

I pushed on 'send' and felt relieved and happy. That was before my father came in with his 'surprise'.

"Here's your surprise, Edward." He said.

"Hi, Edward."

"Wow." I said. Didn't see this one coming.

**"No Goodbye At All" (the title of the chapter) is a song by Lady Linn and her magnificent seven. It's a Belgian band that you should check out because I really like them!**

**About the chapter: keep that "wow" Edward says, in mind and meditate a bit about who the person who says "Hi" could be. I would like to know what you think!**

**And yes, Kirsty, my dear beta, you're amazing ;)**


	15. Supermassive Black Hole

My pillow was completely wet because of my tears. Everything that I found close to me had been thrown at the wall. I screamed every time I thought back about him. Nurses came several time to ask me to stop screaming because I was wakening the other patients that were trying to get better. I even once threw something at one of them. I couldn't remember what it was. Maybe a book, or a vase. The tears from my body disappeared, I was all dry inside. I was a desert.

He was gone. He was far away and gone. _He's coming back, Bella._ Yeah, he was coming back. But when? When I was 80? Did I really want to live until then? No, definitely not. I wasn't going to see his deep, green eyes again. Kissing his lips made out of silk. Wrap my legs around his perfectly build body. Put my fingers in his bronze hair. Touch his soft skin. Hear is angel voice and the songs he plays for me. See the most cosmic laugh of all. Never again. It was over. And I promised myself to never fall in love again.

I screamed again. Too many thoughts. I screamed, louder at every thought. Every thought I had was digging a bigger hole in my chest. My body was almost a black hole. I moved my entire body, trying to erase the thoughts from my head. Trying to chase away the holes that were tearing my body apart. I looked like a lunatic. Like someone was mentally torturing. No, it wasn't someone, it was just me. I was torturing myself.

"This time, it's enough." I heard a nurse say when she walked inside. She tried to grab my arms but I wasn't letting her do that.

"Get off me! Get off!" I screamed. I heard her asking for help and saw 2 or 3 doctors enter. I continued to scream. I wasn't chasing the memories. I was chasing the doctors away. I wanted them to administrate me something to sleep. I wanted to escape the world for some time. For 2 or 3 hours. Or for the rest of my life. I couldn't care anymore. I didn't want to live without Edward anymore. I slowly felt my soul escaping from my body. My body became as light as a feather. I escaped the world where Edward disappeared and found myself again in his arms, sunbathing in the sun of Arizona.

"I think Ms. Swan is still sleeping." I heard a woman say. I was awake now but acted like I was sleeping. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to cry and scream again so doctors would come and chase away the hole by administrating me some strong medication and I could escape the world again.

"I'll wait." I recognized her voice. I instantly turned around in my bed. "But I think she's awake." Alice entered the room. She didn't seem happy. She seemed…what's the word? Disappointed.

"Alice!" I wanted to hug her. I wanted to look into her green eyes. The exact same eyes like Edward's. But she didn't let me hug her. She just sat on my bed and looked at me, avoiding every contact with my dry eyes.

"Why didn't you come?" She asked. I was shocked. What was she talking about? "Edward waited for you. For hours. He didn't want to leave, you know. You're so selfish, Bella!" I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her that I just had to run away. To protect myself from getting hurt. I wanted to yell so many things to her, but how could I yell at someone perfect? Instead of screaming, I cried. Again. I was a pussy.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." I wondered if she understood what I said; my sobbing was obstructing my words to come out right. It looked like she understood what I said because she took me in her arms and balanced me like a little baby, shushing me. "It's not over for me. It won't ever be over."

"Bella, he'll come back soon. I promise! And you have to make sure you get better again. Then you can go home again, revalidate there and when you're healed, you can go visit him."

"Won't happen any time soon." I said to her. The doctors lost their faith in me when they found out I was throwing up again. To make it worse now, my body was refusing any type of food. I wasn't going home soon.

"Call him." She said. She lent me her phone. I shook my head. I didn't want any more pain to come to me. The holes in my body would grow more if I heard his voice. No, I wasn't going to call him. "Ok, I have to go then." She put her phone back in her pocket and wanted to leave.

"Don't leave, Alice! Please! Don't let me alone with my thoughts. You're the closest thing I have from Edward. Please, stay with me."

"Only if you call him." She smiled at me. I took my phone and sighted.

"I'll text him." I opened an empty message and started to write. I read what I was reading out loud, so Alice could follow.

_I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ran away and I'm sorry I didn't come to you when you left. You took my heart when you left, just be sure to give it back to me when you're coming back. You're more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, yours and mine are the same. I love you. Come back soon, ok?_

Alice came on my bed and sat down and we chatted a whole night long. Nurses didn't come to ask her to leave; they were happy the screams stopped. For one night. Because I knew that if Alice left, I was going to be in the same situation again.

I was lost in the morning when I found out Alice was gone. She left me a note in a graceful handwriting: _I'm coming back as soon as possible. You shouldn't be alone. Call some friends._

Call some friends? What friends? I had no friends. Friends were supposed to come and visit you, right? No one cared enough about me to come visit me. I could call Jessica. Nah, that bitch was just going to talk about how perfect Mike is, how skinny I am and how jealous she is she can't be as skinny as I am, until she finishes saying "You should gain some weight.". I could call Angela. Oh, I forgot Angela moved away to be with her boyfriend in Colombia. Maybe Jacob? He was the only one who cared about me, apart from Edward and Alice. He was the only one except my parents to come visit me. I needed someone like that, right now. Someone who cared about me, like I was and not because of his pity. I took my phone and called him.

I was smoking a cigarette outside. Jacob was there, by my side. He was silent, I didn't know why. That wasn't why I called him!

"You shouldn't smoke." He said.

"Oh, who are you? My mom?" I took some smoke inside my mouth, breath it in to let it go into my lungs and blew the rest in his face.

"Ok. That's not why I came here." He turned around to leave but I grabbed his arm before he could to a step. He had a lot of force and his biceps were huge, but I managed to make him turn around.

"No, Jake. Please, don't leave. Sorry."

" Why did you call me and make me come here? so you could just spill all your hate over me? What did I ever do to deserve all this hate? Loving you? Being there when you needed someone? Being there when no one even cared about you? Caring about your condition? Tell me, Bella. Tell me why you hate me!" I realized I didn't hate him for any of those reason. I realized he was right and I had been mean towards him.

"I don't hate you. I'm just ain't thankful enough for all your love, support and care. I'm sorry." I really said a lot of "sorry" these days. He wanted to leave again when I grabbed his arm again and didn't let it go. He looked at my hand but I didn't care. "Everyone turns their back to me. My parents are mad because I threw up again," I saw his eyes getting disappointed, "Edward left and Alice promised to come back, but I have the feeling she isn't coming again. Please, don't be like the others. Don't let me fall. Just stay with me." I pushed my body against his and wrapped my arms around his muscular body. He wrapped his big, warm arms around me and hugged me tight, almost leaving me no air. I liked it this way.

"I'm not going anywhere."

**Yes, Jacob is coming into Bella's life. I'm sorry for all the Jacob haters around here (don't worry, I don't think I will make a lot of Jacob-Bella chapters).**

**Thank you again for reading my fanfic. I can't believe you all read what I write. Seems impossible to m****e. So, thank you! I'm really thankful. I can't express how thankful I am.**


	16. Not Good Enough

The wind from the top of the roof was ice cold and moist. The only light came from the upcoming sun. The hospital roof was the best place to enjoy a beautiful sunrise, when the clouds from Washington weren't hiding it. The orange-red color of the sunrise was coloring the sky. I took a cigarette out of the box and light it on. I inhaled the smoke and let it in my lungs longer than usual. It burned but I liked it that way. I had chills all over my body. I should have taken a blanket with me. I took my phone and looked at the screen. 6 texts and 3 missed calls. Nothing from Edward. I didn't care who sent me those texts or who called me if it wasn't Edward. I didn't receive any texts from him since the day he arrived in Arizona.

_Oh, and you call me unoriginal? I forgave you, love. I love you more than my words can possibly say. I'll come back to you. Healthy or not. And don't forget, I'm taking care of your heart._

Oh wait, one of the texts was from Alice. She had been here for me since Edward left. She came by every day and we talked and talked and talked. She made my pain slightly more livable. I inhaled some more smoke and tried to make little rounds with the smoke that was coming out of my mouth. Edward showed that to me during one of our first dates. I opened Alice's text.

_I'm going to Arizona with my mom and Emmett. I'm sorry I can't come to say goodbye to you! I'll call once I've seen Edward. Take care!_

That's all. She was also leaving me. Everyone was leaving me. I wasn't good enough. For no one. No one wants me. Who to blame, though? I'm damaged. Who wants to hang out with someone who can't stop crying and screaming and... throwing up; the only thing that could help me through this pain. That and my cigarettes. I extinguished my cigarette and directly lighted a second one. The second one was even better than the first one, without any reason. 

The sunrise in the sky of Seattle was majestious. But what's a sunrise when you're alone? It's too romantic for a lonely soul. A tear was running out of my eye. 1 tear. Only 1. I whipped it away with my flat hand and inhaled a bit of smoke from my cigarette. I liked it when the top of it was lighting. My phone lighted up, telling me someone tried to call me. Jacob. I hesitated; was I going to answer or ignore the call? I strolled my finger over the touchscreen, trying to decide what to do. I was going to be less alone if I answered the phonecall. But wasn't it one of the reasons I wanted to be on the roof? To be alone? God, it was so annoying not to know what I wanted. At the moment I decided to answer Jacob's call, my phone stopped vibrating. Should I call him back? My phone vibrated again, to say I got a message on my voicemail. I listened to it 

"Hi Bells, I'm coming over today. I... Yeah, see you." 

I... What did he want to say with I? The feeling I had inside of me was weird. I was happy to know he was coming over. I was happy that I won't be alone. I was happy to have the feeling I was good enough for at least 1 person. 

I suddenly remembered Alice's text. I extinguished my second cigarette and took a third one and lighted it up. I smoked a lot since Edward left. Edward. I read Alice's text again. And I cried, again. I looked at my phone, for minutes and minutes. And I threw it away. Over the roof, in the depth. I ran and looked at the ground. I never realized how high the roof was from the ground. I couldn't even see my phone, but I tried not to imagine how it looked. 

Broken. My phone was broken. The only way I had to contact the 2 persons I loved. I realized everything could be over in just 1 step. I had to make one little step and my pain would disappear and I would stop being in the way of people. Every single pain could be over in a second! If I made that one step, I could fly like a bird and smash on the ground. I shook my head. That was a horrible thought! But it was real. Very real. 

What would happen if I jumped and died? Would people even miss me? I hoped so but I had the feeling the answer was going to be negative. The wind was blowing in my face. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the cold. 

I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to erase my name from the world. I wanted to live in pain. I liked the pain. It made me remember none of this was a dream, that Edward existed. And he was coming back. 

"Bella!" I heard a well-known voice scream. I almost slipped, almost fell from the roof. I saw my life pass in my eyes. Good moments with my parents, bad moment at high school, good moment with fake friends, first time I threw up, seeing myself getting skinnier, meeting Edward, losing Edward, meeting Alice, losing Alice. 

"Please, Bella, don't jump! Stay there, don't move! I'm coming to you!" 

"Jacob, moron! I wasn't going to jump! My phone fell and I was just looking at it! Dumbass!" To prove I wasn't going to jump, I walked away from the side of the roof. 

"I... I'm sorry." He said. I could read in his eyes he was happy I wasn't planning on jumping. I walked towards him and noticed I was shaking. He noticed it too and took me in his arms. I suddenly started to cry. I wasn't planning on crying in his warm body, but I couldn't help it. 

"You're ice cold." He said. I nod my head. 

"I'm cold, indeed." I sobbed and laughed. 

"Come, we're going in your room. You need your bed." I agreed but said, 

"Wait a bit. I feel good here." He wrapped his arms around me more tightly and put his cheek on the top of my head. God, he was so tall. 

"I'll buy you a new phone." He said to me, causing me to smile. He was too sweet for me.

**I hope you liked the chapter. I personally thought it was pretty cute, but that's what I think. I now need to know what you think ;)**

**Oh and about Ed's visitor, I get a lot of people asking me who the person is. I decide to give you 1 hint per chapter. The hint for this chapter is: his/her name has already been mentioned in this fanfic. Good luck ;)**


	17. Jake

"Need help, son?" My father said when he saw me struggle with the wrapping paper. I never did this before. He put his wheelchair next to my normal chair and took the box out of my hands. He started to laugh extremely loudly.

"Dad, come one, let me do it!" I said. I always got angry when something wasn't turning right. "Shit!" I said when I cut myself with the pretty, blue wrapping paper I bought for Bella. My father took the box out of my hands again and unwrapped all my hard work.

"Wow, that's a beautiful phone." He looked surprised at me and gave me his look that was begging for answers. I explained everything to him. How Bella lost her phone because it fell from the roof and how lost she was without it. I also explained about Edward. How she loved him and he went away, while she was finally getting better. I talked about her best friend, Alice, who also left her alone.

"Forget her." My father said, "She doesn't want you, Jake. She wants another guy. Deal with it, son."

"I do deal with it, dad! But I can't leave her now! She needs support! She needs someone who stands next to her. She never wanted me and I always loved her. Why would I leave now? Because she has a boyfriend? That doesn't mean I have to leave, right? No, dad, I'm not forgetting her, because that's the total opposite from what she needs." I stood up from my chair and took my leather jacket, before walking towards the door. I suddenly remembered I forgot Bella's present. I walked in again and took it from my father's lap. "Thank you." I said. I took my motorbike and put my helmet on. I drove fast, way too fast. But driving with my motorbike made me forget that Bella didn't like me. She told me she'll never love me, but she appreciated when I was there. She told me in the face that she needed me, or she'll break again. But I knew she loved Edward. I knew she wasn't going to forget him. He was her soulmate. But like I said to my father, I wasn't going to leave her now. She needed someone by her side. Someone who loved her, no matter what. She knew I loved her. I've loved her when no one, including herself, loved her. I always saw the beautiful things in her, and ignored all the hate from the other people. She was kind, when she wanted to be, she was funny, she was extremely talented, although she tried to hide it as much as possible. And I always thought she was beautiful. She was gorgeous to me, even when she waited over 200 lbs or got way too skinny and only waited 90 lbs.

I arrived in front of the hospital and walked into her room. She was just laying on her bed, with her eyes closed.

"Good afternoon!" I said when I closed to door. She wasn't opening her eyes, she didn't even respond to me. She was breathing though. I heard the sound from the music coming out of her iPod. I sighted. I wasn't going to wake her up, knowing she'd be pissed. I sat down on the chair right next to her bed and looked at her. I recognized the song she was listening to. It was _Love is pain_ by Joan Jett. I remembered it was her favorite song.

_We are not to blame  
>For seeing love is pain<em>

I looked at her feet moving with the beat. I was wondering what she was dreaming of while listening to music.

_And we are not ashamed  
>To say that love is pain<br>And we'll do it again_

Yes, we'll do it again. Who could live without love? As much as love could hurt, we'd still fall in love. Over and over again. I saw Bella's finger move and push on a button to change songs. It was _Let me sign_ by Robert Pattinson. I knew the song because my sister always sang it. She was always drooling about how perfect that man was. I saw a tear fall from Bella's closed eyes. I stood up from my chair and took her in my arms. She didn't seem surprised to see me. She just cried in my arms. I felt her body moving with the sobbing that were coming out of her throat. I was rubbing her back, while she repeated "I can't, I can't." I tried to find the words to make her feel better, but I knew I failed. I knew the only thing that could comfort her was Edward. All she had was me, and I knew that wasn't going to help her.

"I'm so sorry, Jake." She tried to say, but her sobbing wasn't stopping and I almost couldn't understand her.

"Why are you sorry, Bells?" I always called her like that. And I've always called her like that. Even the first time I met her, at the police station. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I got caught by her father, Chief Charlie Swan, because I was riding too fast with my father's truck. I didn't even have a driver license back then, which was normal because I was only 14 years old. She was with her father at the police station and I saw her then. I already saw her at school and my father and hers were friends for a long time, but I never looked at her because I heard all the rumors about her and her fatness. That day, I looked at her and she never left my mind since then.

"I'm sorry because I know I hurt you by being like this." I know she understood the confused look I gave her because she said, "being sad about another boy, while you love me."

"Don't say that, Bells."

"No, you don't say that! Don't say you're not hurt because of my behavior." Of course I was hurt by her behavior but it didn't matter to me. All I wanted was for her to be happy. With or without me, although it probably was without me.

"Don't be sorry." I said. She started crying again. I decided it was time for me to give her her present.

"What's this?" She said as she dried her tears with her flat hand.

"Something I bought for you. Open it!" She unwrapped the paper and discovered the way too expensive phone.

"Are you kidding me? You bought me a new phone?" She looked up from the box and looked at me before looking back at her phone. "But…" she couldn't find her words. "But why?"

"Because I know it's the only thing that could make you happy right now."

"You're too good for me, Jake."

"I know." She smiled. It was the first time I saw her smiling with something I said. Her eyes were a mix of joy and sadness. I crawled next to her in bad and pulled her into my arms. She put her head on my shoulder. I felt teardrops fall on my shirt where her eyes were.

"What happened to strong Bella?" She said quietly. I looked her and saw her starring at the wall. "I think he took her with him to Arizona." She answered her own question. "Jake," I felt her head moving and she looked at me. "Thank you for everything." And he kissed my cheek before falling asleep on my shoulder.

**I know the chapter is different since the point of view is different but I wanted to try this. I hope you don't mind and don't hate me for trying this out And again, thank you for every review and tweet I get. I know I say this all the time but you have no idea how much this means to me.**

**I almost forgot giving you a new tip about the mysterious person in Edward's room! Well, here I go: his/her presence is bad for Edward (and Bella).**


	18. I want you

I woke up because of the vibration from my phone. I looked at the screen; 1 new text message. I couldn't help but open the text. My heart almost jumped out of my ribcage when I saw who it was from. My eyes immediately started to tear up. My brain stopped working. My mouth opened up so widely my tongue was drying out. Edward. Edward sent me a text. I hadn't heard from him since… since he left Seattle. Since he left Washington, 1 month and 3 days ago. And I had been missing him since he left.

"_I'm sorry it took me so long to text you. I would love to call you but I can't. I just really needed to speak to you. Well, the weather is hot, but damn does my heart feel cold. I miss you, Bella. I really need you in my arms and to kiss your gentle lips. I need you with me all the time and it crushes me to know it's impossible. I want you to know my love for you is bigger than the distance between us. I love you, -your Edward."_

I looked at my screen for hours, read and reread his text. How was I going to answer him? How was I'm going to make my brain say everything I want to say? How was I going to express my feelings? I pushed on the 'answer' button and wrote a text back to him. My thumbs on the touch screen were shaking; it was hard to write in these conditions.

"_I'm happy you finally texted me. I'm happy to know you didn't forget me because I didn't forget you. I have been thinking about you every tenth of a second. I had been dreaming about you, every fucking night since you left. I love you, Edward, like no one ever loved. -Your Bella."_

I felt my heart beat in my throat, waiting for an answer from him. It looked like hours passed, but when I finally got a reply, nothing else mattered. I opened the text and read it.

"_Did I wake you up? I know it's late but I slept the entire day (had a surgery 2 days ago), so I'm not tired anymore."_

I was tired when I thought about it, but I didn't want to stop the conversation. I was scared it was the only moment I had to talk to him and I didn't want to miss it.

"_I was sleeping, indeed. I was even dreaming about you. You remember that evening on the roof, when we just talked for hours? I was dreaming about that. I hope you're better now, with your surgery. Maybe you can come home soon?"_

His answer didn't take too long to arrive.

"_I have no idea when my father is going to let me go home, but damn do I miss the bad weather of Seattle! And of course I remember that night. It was one of the best moments in my life. After the first time your soft lips touched mine. I also dreamed about you. A lot."_

He dreams about me? Oh God, my heart was really going to leave my body and my brain felt like mashed potato.

"_What did you dream?"_

"_I don't know if you really want to know it."_

"_I really want to know it."_

His answer came to me very late. The text was pretty long but most of all, I think he was scared to send it to me.

"_Don't say I didn't warn you._

_I dreamed we were at a bar, talking. You wore a gorgeous dress. Damn, you looked sexy in that dress! I took you to a private room and started to kiss you in the neck. Next thing I knew, we were laying on the red bed, covered with red silken sheets. You didn't notice the rose petals I put on the floor and bed. You almost ripped off my shirt while I opened your dress' zipper. You skillfully undid my trouser, while I was failing undoing your bra. You pushed me back and kissed my entire body. You were so passionately and you were the master of the moment. You opened your legs around my body and sat on me, while all I could do was rubbing your body. Your perfect and beautiful body. I felt your baby-soft skin under my fingertips. While you were leaning forward, I adroitly took off your cute underwear. It means you were laying on me, naked. I stroke my hands on your breasts and I turned you over, so I could lead. You opened your legs, and well, you know what happens afterwards._

_I'm sorry if it's not the kind of dream you wanted me to dream. Doesn't mean I don't love you. Because I do. Damn, this feels awkward now!"_

Oh my God. I couldn't believe he wrote that. Ok, I admit I asked him about it, and yes, he warned me but I wasn't expecting that. It took hours to find a proper answer for this. I fingers were moving slowly on the letters on my touchscreen. I wanted to be sure of what I was going to tell him. When I pushed on 'send', I felt regrets overtaking my body.

"_I wish this could happen."_

That was what I sent, 5 little words. I couldn't find any other answer and no answer was going to be as true as this but it was uncomfortable to admit it. But it was true, I wanted this to happen one day. Firstly because it would mean I'm reunited with him. But most of all because I want him to take my virginity. He and no one else.

I felt my phone vibrate again. I was getting anxious to read his answer but I knew I had to.

_"Really? You want me to undo your bra?"_

_"Yes. I want to open my legs around your strong and muscular body."_

_"And you want me to touch your almost-naked and baby-soft body?"_

_"Yes! And I want you to take off my underwear."_

_"You'd let me strike your intimate parts? I mean, breast!"_

_"Yes! I would let you do everything with my body."_

_"Everything? So I could just… how can I say this? Would you let me enter you?"_

When I wasn't directly answering, he sent me another text.

_"I'm sorry. Did I go too far?"_

_"No, no! I would let you do that. Edward, I want you. I want you to take my virginity. I want you to sex me up. I want you in my body. I need you. I need your body!"_

_"I need you too, baby. And I promise we will try it as soon as I'm coming back to Washington. But we'll try it only if you want it. I love you Bella! I really do. And not only for sex. I miss you, Bella. I wish I could come back soon! I need to give my phone back. I'm sorry. I love you."_

And he was gone again. I had no idea when or if I was ever going to talk to him again. I didn't know if I ever was going to see him again. I didn't know anything and I felt lost. I already missed him and the black holes in my body were coming again. I was going to change into a supermassive black hole. I needed him. I couldn't wait until he came back. I wouldn't wait until he came back. One more day without him was one more day of hell. And I promised myself at that exact moment I wasn't going to live in hell for one more day. My decision was made. If he wasn't coming back, I was going to him. I was going to travel to Arizona.

**Ok, let me say writing this chapter was VERY awkward to me. It's not as good as expected but the most important part has been said. Bella is going to see him back! OMG! **

**I wanted to ask you guys something: what do you honestly think about the entire story? I have to be honest and say I'm surprised I got this few reactions for last chapter and I think people stopped reading it or something. So please, help me out! I'm not a review-seeking person, I just need to feel sure about what I'm doing, you see?**

**And now tip 3 for the Edward's intruder: He/she is an intern at the hospital of Arizona. ;)**

**I love you guys! **


	19. Coming Home

**Since this chapter is important, I'm not making an AN at the end of the story so I'm thanking everyone now :') Also my awesome beta and Linnie for letting me use her name ;) You should check her fic out! Chasing the dream by WhatAboutMeAndYou!**

I was running around in the hospital, trying to find my way out. I was scared to get busted. I knew that if I got busted, it was all over for me and I wasn't going to be left alone. I pasted rooms, heard people snoring and doctors running around. None of them noticed me and my huge luggage. I didn't take time to fold my clothes, causing them to make my luggage bigger than it should be. I thought my plan over again and realized I had a lot of practical problems. Like, what was I going to do when I left the hospital? Take a cab and go to the airport. Great, what if there wasn't any cab around? I mean, it's 1 a.m.. Money was another problem. I never thought I was going to need money when I asked my parents to bring my stuff when I entered the hospital. The result was: no money. Yes, I had my father's checkbook but only because he always forgets it and I had to keep it with me. He never uses it anyway. I felt bad thinking about using his money, but it was an emergency. It was 'mission to eliminate those black holes'. And what was I going to do at the airport?

I thought back about the letters I left in my room. One for my parents with a short explanation about why I left and where I am and what I was going to do and that I'll be fine and I love them. Another one for Jacob, with the whole explanation, or almost. I felt bad sneaking away but it was for my own good.

I managed to find the exit. I looked over my shoulder, to be sure no one saw me leaving. Everything in the hospital seemed normal. I couldn't stay around too long, they'll notice soon or later I left. I looked around. The sky was black but the neonlights from the hospital were bright enough to illuminate the street. I forgot how animated Seattle was at night, even at 1 a.m. People were walking around, coming back from parties were they obviously drunk too much. They laughed about stupid things and couldn't walk straight. Man, I felt a strong need for alcohol, just to forget the stupid things I was about to do. Well, it wasn't stupid, it was badass. I was being badass for once in my life. And I was being stupid. I felt tears popping in my eye. No, this wasn't the moment for me to cry. I had to be a strong and independent woman!

Because Seattle was so alive, it took me 2 minutes to call a cab. I asked the rude man to bring me to the airport. I saw him looking weirdly at me. _Turn your head, perv'._

After a short ride, we arrived at the rather big airport. I ran to the bar, not looking around to see where I had to be to take a flight to Arizona. I just ran to the first empty bar I found.

"A single ticket for Arizona, please." I asked the woman. She wore too much make up, her lips were bright red and her pink blush made her face look like Barbie. Her blonde hair was unnaturally curly.

"You're at the wrong bar." She said, not even looking at me, not even offering me a smile. _Bitch._ I looked at the screens and found where I had to be for my flight to Arizona. The next flight to Arizona was in 3 hours. I went to right bar and asked the same thing to another Barbie, but with brown hair this time.

"Any luggage?" I gave her my heavy luggage. "How are you going to pay?"

"Check." I simply said, as I wrote down the numbers she dictated me. I gave her my passport and left with a ticket in my hand.

I sat on a chair at the right terminal, waiting for my plane. I only had some minutes left. I was reading _Wuthering Heights_, of course. I hadn't read my favorite book since Edward left. I hadn't read any book since he left. I felt the stress getting in my body. My body was sweating and my heart was racing, but I felt good. I had an adrenaline rush. I saw children running around at the terminal, playing with puppets or with others. I thought the children were going to be extremely tired, but they weren't. They had too much energy. At the other side of the terminal was an old couple. The woman was knitting, while her husband was reading the first paper of the day.

A man, I called him Ken because he looked like the masculine version of the Barbies I saw at the entrance, asked us to calmly enter the airplane. I gave him my ticket and fake-smiled at him. I took my seat, next to a window, just like I liked it and looked through window at the airport. I saw it was going to be a bad day in Seattle, though it was only 5 in the morning and still dark outside. I didn't notice when the old couple from the terminal came to sit next to me. The woman was wearing a strong perfume and her husband smelled like coffee.

"Good morning." The old lady said cheerfully. I smiled politely, too surprised that she talked to me. People usually avoid talking to me. She kicked her husband with her elbow and whispered loudly, "Charles, shouldn't you say good morning to that kid?" He looked at me and politely made a sign with his head to please his wife. "Don't mind him. He's a bit grumpy." I laughed and looked outside again. Rain started to fall from the clouds, when a woman in a blue and white costume came to check the luggage spaces and if we wore our seatbelts.

"Shit!" Charles shouted. He tried to close his seatbelt but his big belly made it hard to close.

"Charles! Don't use this language in front of young kids!" I had to smirk, knowing I was the biggest curser in the world. Well, together with my father. The stewardess managed to close Charles seatbelt and continued her way.

I didn't notice I fell asleep until I felt the plane move together with turbulences outside. I looked at my watched and concluded I must have slept for 1 hour. I looked at the old lady, whom was still knitting, while her husband was snoring loudly. It almost looked like the plane was moving because of him. I looked at the woman's hands and how she moved them. She must have noticed I was staring because she stopped.

"You want to try?" She asked, handing me her work. I declined it, explaining I was the most clumsy person in the world and I didn't want to ruin her fabulous work. "It's for my grand-daughter, Linnie. You know, you remind me of her. A lot. It's the first thing I Charles told me when you fell asleep. 'Rachel,' he said, my name's Rachel, so he said, 'Rachel, don't you think she looks like Linnie?' and he fell asleep shortly after that. My daughter, Jen, has 2 other kids! Leighton and Sara. Sara is getting married this weekend! To such a nice guy! Steven is his name." I heard Rachel could talk for hours, so I let her talk. I pretended I was listening, while thinking about how to succeed my plan, once I'm in Arizona.

"Oh God, I feel so rude! I'm talking all the time! What's your name, girl?" She asked, smiling brightly at me.

"Bella." I said, crooking a little smile at her.

"Oh, that's such a gorgeous name! And what are you going to do in Arizona? Are your parents there?" I explained the entire story to her. I explained how Edward and I met, how his father was helping with him and his illness, how he had to leave and how he was the only one who could help me be me again. I also explained my parents didn't know where I was. I expected to hear angry comments, hearing it's reckless or something. "That's so romantic!" Was her answer. I shook my head softly, almost invisible. "You know, Bella, I met Charles when we were… well, around your age now, so I know how it is to find my soulmate. It won't be easy every day, but I can see you love him. I can see it in the way your eyes sparkle when you were talking about him. He seems like a special person."

"He is." I said, looking at my book on my laps. I stroke the hard cover and stroke my finger on the golden letters.

"What are you going to do once we land in Arizona?" Rachel asked.

"That's what I was trying to discover." I admit to her. "I need to find a way to arrive to the hospital. An economical way." Rachel started to think with me.

"I'll ask Linnie to bring you." She suddenly said, with a theatrical finger in the air.

"No, Rachel, I really can't do that to you!" I had to admit deep inside of me, I really wanted Rachel's daughter to bring me but I felt bad, even thinking about it.

"Bella, I really want to do that. I'd do everything for a bit of adventure in my life." She looked at her still snoring husband. "Because my life's a bit dull for the moment."

.

I took my luggage from the rolling band and walked behind Rachel and Charles. Although they were rather old, they had a fast walking-rhythm. I said and repeated to Rachel she didn't have to do this, that I could take care of myself and find my way to the hospital. She started to ignore me every time I came up with it again. We walked out of the airport. I felt the pressure of the hot air fall on my shoulders. There wasn't any cloud in the air, the bright sun was burning my body and the blue air was as blue as the Mediterranean sea. I was wearing my orange raincoat and my hoodie in one hand, my luggage in the other. Rachel suddenly accelerated her steps, opened her arms and embraced a tanned woman.

"Bella, this is Linnie." Rachel said to me. I looked at the woman, trying to recognize myself in it. Apart from her brown, wavy hair and her chocolate eyes, she was nothing like me. I was extremely ugly and shy, while she was one of the most beautiful girls in the world and looked self-assure. I was very pale and she was extremely tanned. "Linnie, this is Bella. She wants to find her soul mate back. You're going to bring her to him, right?" I saw Linnie's eyes sparkle. She was like Rachel, she wanted some new challenges in life. Also, she looked a lot like Rachel. Their faces had the same round shape, their eyes had the same shape and their lips were naturally red. A man came from behind Linnie and took my luggage, before putting it in the back of her truck. "This is Joe, my husband." Linnie explained to me.

I sat on the back seat of Linnie's truck, between Rachel and a window. Rachel was talking all the time, while knitting even more. I heard Charles snoring again. The car trip took another hour, before arriving at my place to be. My place for true love. Linnie parked her car right in front of the entrance. Joe walked out of the car and took my luggage. I wanted to open the door and walk out of the car, but I couldn't move my body. It was impossible for me to open the door. I starred at the white building for minutes. I heard Rachel talking to me, but her voice sounded blurry and I didn't understand what she was telling me. All I knew was right in front of me. Edward was in one of those rooms. Well, hopefully. I couldn't believe I did all this. I recapitulated everything again. Last night, around 1 a.m. I decided to leave my home state. At 2.30 a.m. I left the building and took a cab to the airport. I was in the plane at 5 a.m. and now I'm here, in front of my destination. I didn't realize I got out of the car, until I felt a strong breeze of hot air against my body.

"You're going to be ok?" Rachel and Linnie asked. I nodded. It was the only thing I could do. I felt tears popping up in my eyes. I hugged Rachel and thanked her a hundred times. "You're welcome, love! Here," she took the result of all her knitting out of the car and handed it to me, "and call me as soon as possible, ok?" I started to cry out loud again. Rachel, Linnie and Joe stepped into the car again and drove away calmly. I saw Rachel's head pop out of one of the windows and heard her scream something to me, something that sounded like "Please, gain some weight."

I turned my back around again with my face to the large building. I looked at every window. I took my luggage and walked towards the automatic door, when I noticed something inside of the hospital. A shape. A shape I knew and recognized. I ran as fast as I could, almost fell over my own feet and made a theatrical entry. There he stood, the shape I recognized from outside. He leaned over the bar and laughed with the nurses. I screamed his name out loud, maybe too loudly but I had to be sure he heard me.

"Carlisle!"


	20. I'm not her puppet

"owwww!" I screamed when she pushed that needle in my arm. She pulled away her hand.

"I'm sorry." She said. I saw her hands shaking. I put my white hand on hers. I remembered her being tanned, which was a perfect match with her blonde hair and blue eyes. It wasn't easy to get a tan in Forks but every time the sun was shining, her skin got brown. I remember how I liked it. You'd think she'd be much tanned, here in Arizona, but since she worked at the hospital, she never got out. I heard her sighing when she felt my hand and she started crying. "I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore. I need more sleep."

"Hey, hey, come here." I pulled her closer to me and hugged her with my good arm. I knew it was a bad idea but I felt it was my duty to help her out. "You want me to talk to my father?" she shook her head and dried her tears. She drilled her ocean blue eyes into mine and stroke my cheek. I pulled my head away. "Kate." I said in a sight.

"Sorry."

"You know I don't love you anymore."

"And you know I told you I'm sorry and I knew you still love me, somewhere deep inside." She put her hand on my chest, right where my heart was beating. I took her wrist and pushed it away but she resisted. She bowed over and before I noticed, her lips touched mine. Her lips were warm but rough. It wasn't a tender kiss, it wasn't romantic. Without any feelings. "Ed, just admit you still love me." I shook my head. "So, you're leaving me for her? For a girl you don't even know."

"Firstly, I know Bella better than I have ever known you! I know her better after dating her for a month than you in 4 years. Secondly, you left me! For my best friend! And because you couldn't handle my illness, while now you're toiling to have a fucking internship with my father! Why did you decide to enter my life again? Why did you decide to ruin it?" she starred at me for a long time, until Alice entered my room. She had a bright smile on, which got even bigger when she understood Kate and I were into a fight. There was so much hate between Kate and Alice the room was too little for the electricity between them.

"I'm going to pick your pills." Kate said and left the room angrily. Alice waved rudely at her leaving the room.

"Why are you smiling?" I asked Alice.

"Nothing." She drank from her can and put her legs over the elbow rest and starred at me.

"What?" I screamed louder to her. I hated it when people stared.

"Nothing!" she said, still with that smile on her face. I heard Kate walking in again with a plateau with pills on it. Her hands were shaking and her face red of sadness. I thought everything over again, about Kate and I suddenly realized who she truly was. She was a cheating attention seeker. She saw me as a puppet. She threw me away when I stopped working right and used another puppet, my best friend puppet! Another girl found me and actually likes playing with me but Kate is the type of girl who needs to have what other people has. She threw away the good working puppet because she needed to have what the other girl had.

Kate gave me my pills and some water. I wanted her to leave so badly. I wanted her to get away from me and never come back. I saw her hand lean towards me and with her middle finger, she stroked my badly shaved cheek. I pulled my head away from her hand but she didn't care and did it again. I heard Alice clear her voice. When I turned my head to look at her, I noticed what was going on. My body was set on fire, my head was bouncing hard, my face was turning red, my heart was bouncing in my throat and I started sweating. There she was, with all her beauty. My beautiful Bella. She was even skinnier than I remembered and had those dark rings under her eyes but I couldn't help but fall in love with her again. I missed her gorgeous face so much it made my body glow seeing her again. Her beauty was all I needed. She was all I wanted. I searched her chocolate eyes but they weren't looking at me. They were looking right above me. It took me some time to realize what she was looking at. Kate and her finger on my face. Her eyes were opening slowly and watering. Finally her eyes found mine. It wasn't her hot, chocolate brown look but an ice cold and sad look. She turned around and ran away. I instantly did something I knew was a bad idea but I had to do it. I had to run to her and explain everything. I jumped out of my bed and ran away, holding the Baxter and ran as fast as I could. I saw her walking fast down the hall so I put my hand on her shoulder and made her turn around.

"Bella." She looked at me with her eyes full of tears and her tears streaming down her face. She didn't wipe them away, she just continued crying.

"I bet that's Kate." She conclude. I made her understand with the look in my eye she was right. It was Kate, indeed.

"Alice didn't tell me you were here." I answered honestly.

"Why would she tell you? So you could try to hide her for me?"

"Bella, don't say that. I don't want her to be here. I don't want her anymore. These last few weeks made me realize it. It made me realize how much you mean to me and how little she means to me. It made me realize I love you more than we ever possible." She turned away her head. I pushed it back with my hand so she could look at me. "Bella, baby. You have to believe me. I'm nothing without you. I have no soul without you. I don't want anybody else. You're all I need, baby. You're all I want. Please Bella, please, don't be angry." She didn't respond, she only ignored my look. I took her face between my hands and made her kiss me. I pushed my lips strongly on her. I felt her resist but she finally accepted my kiss and even kissed back. She opened her mouth to put my upper lip between her lips. Our moves were synchronized and passionate. She wrapped her arms around my neck and stroked my hair with her fingers. I took her waist between my arms and lifted her up. Her head was hanging above mine with our lips still attached to each other.

"I love you." I said before she started kissing me again.

**FINALLY! You now know who's the intruder is ;) what a b*tch isn't it? **

**I hope you liked the chapter I just have to let you know guys the next update won't come soon because I'm going on a school trip. I hope you don't hate me now **


	21. Back to you

"Carlisle!" I screamed through the hall. Nurses and patients starred at me like I was some kind of freak. I agreed I must look like one; I had a short sleep in the plane and no food in my body, so yeah, the rings under my eyes on my pale face must have looked terrible and I probably looked worse than a vampire. But I was here, at my final destination. I was finally going to reunite with the one I did this all for. "Dr. Cullen!" I yelled louder. I ran to him, with my luggage in my hands and my heavy backpack on my back. I stumbled over my own feet because of my heavy stuff. Luckily, Carlisle had been there to pick me up and safe me from an awkward and painful situation.

"Bella?" he looked at me with a shocked glance in his eyes. He looked as tired as I was feeling. "What are you doing here? Does Dr. Robbins knows you're here?" Yeah, he definitely was a doctor, First asking me if my doctor knew I was gone before even caring about what my parents were thinking. God, my parents. I looked at my watch and was aware they soon were going to find out I was gone. They were about to freak out, especially my father. Jake was also going to find out I was gone.

"No one knows I'm here." I explained to him.

"You don't have to be this reckless! You aren't cured yet! You have to finish your therapy and gain some weight! Have you eaten already?"

"You really think I thought about that when I left this morning? All I cared about was how I was going to get here." I hesitated before asking the question that was hanging on my lips since the moment I arrived. "Can I see him? Please?" He nodded his head, accepting my request.

"Bella?" I heard a voice scream to me. I instantly recognized the high, singing and perfect voice. I turned my head and saw Alice. The beautiful Alice. Always wearing perfect matching clothes with the corresponding high heels and her hair done like she was just coming back from the hairdresser. The same bubble of warmth and kindness all around her so people would directly fall in love with her. I loved her, like my own sister and best friend. I even almost forgot she left me to be with Edward. She was the cause of death of my phone. She came to me and hugged me tight. It felt good to feel her again, to smell her and know she was really here and still real. "God, Bella! You look terrible!"

"Thank you, Alice." I knew it wasn't a compliment. I wasn't stupid enough to not notice it. I just wanted to laugh and make jokes to keep my excitement down a bit.

"You should sleep a bit." She suggested. I instantly shook my head. I wasn't going to wait one minute more. I needed to see Edward again.

"Bella, I'm concerned." Carlisle said to me, "I want you to go get a check up before seeing Edward. I promise you can see him afterwards, but please, I'm begging you. I need to know if you're healthy enough." I agreed, knowing he was probably right. He knew what was good for me.

"I'm going to Edward!" Alice said cheerful.

"Don't tell him I'm here! Let it be a surprise." Alice looked at her father. Her look worried me. The look she gave him was like a worthless exchange to ask him if it was a good idea. They were hiding something for me, I was sure about that. I had a sixth sense when people was hiding things from me. I also instantly recognized when people were lying.

I followed Carlisle to a room with doctors, where he ran some stupid tests. Jumping on platforms, blowing in tubes, scanning of my bones and body mass; all things that I hated to do but that was bringing me closer to Edward. Closer than I've ever been in the last months.

"Done." He announced to me, taking some papers out of the printer. He read my results and knitted an eye brow at some moments. "I don't know how you did it, but you lost weight again. You're going deeper into the dangerous zone. How long since you got your last period?" I thought about his question and remembered it. It was almost a year ago. Carlisle nodded his head. "Bella, sit down please. Look, if you continue like this, you won't ever have kids. You will die if you keep throwing up and getting skinnier. So I have a proposition. Now you're here, you need a place to stay. Come live with me in my little apartment. I'm only at the hospital for Edward, so I'll be there often. So, I know it sounds scary, living together with your father-in-law, but I'm also your doctor and now therapist. I'll call your parents to explain it to them." He touched my hand that was resting on my knee. "I want you to feel better and to get cured." I blinked away a tear that was rolling down my face. The Cullen family had been so good to me. They didn't know me or at least, not good enough but they helped me out and showed me they were there to help. They were my second family. I agreed by nodding my head. "Ok." He smashed his hands on his knees and stood from the desk he had been sitting on.

"Can I see Edward now?" Carlisle showed his warmest smile.

"Room 245, ground 2." I literally ran out of the examination room and towards the elevator. I pushed 5 times on the button to call it, tapped my foot on the ground and pushed 5 times again on the button to go to the second ground. When the doors opened, I rushed out and looked for room 245. I noticed the door was open and was standing in the doorway, when I looked at the scene. A blonde girl, she was about my age, gave Edward his pills. Before I could blink, she touched his face with her long finger. She stroked his cheek, very carefully and softly. I knew he liked that. I saw something in the way she looked at him. Lust. She wanted him. Alice was sitting in a chair with her legs over the elbow rest. Her head was slowly turning and she looked at me, right in the eyes. I knew it because I felt her eyes burning on my face, but I couldn't stop starring at Edward and that girl. She was Kate. She obviously was Kate and she was back in his life. I heard Alice clear her voice, but every sound sounded so far away. It was like I was retained in a box of glass. Edward looked at me, right in the face. His head turned red; he realized he got busted when I looked at Kate. No, I wasn't looking. I was starring at her, trying to enter her soul. If a glance could kill, my look would have been worse than a nuke. . I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see more of this scene, but also because I tried to retain my tears. The images I just saw were burned into my eyes and even when I closed them, I saw everything again. Maybe even more clear then when I saw it for the first time. When I opened them again, a tear was rolling down my cheek. I looked for Edward's eyes and looked deeply into them. I couldn't stay in the same room anymore and turned around. I walked away, fast. I heard him coming closer to me. I slowed my steps and felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Bella." He softly whispered. I heard a chunk of pain in his voice. I turned around and made him look deep into my tearing eyes. I didn't wipe the tears away, I wanted him to see how much pain I was feeling.

"I bet that's Kate." The look in his eyes revealed to me I was right. It was Kate. And she was back into his life, just like I expected.

"Alice didn't tell me you were here." Edward said.

"Why would she tell you? So you could try to hide her for me?" I fledged.

"Bella, don't say that. I don't want her to be here. I don't want her anymore. These last few weeks made me realize it. It made me realize how much you mean to me and how little she means to me. It made me realize I love you more than we ever possible." I turned my head. I couldn't listen to his lies. I felt his warm touch on my cheek. He pushed it back towards him so I was looking at him again. "Bella, baby. You have to believe me. I'm nothing without you. I have no soul without you. I don't want anybody else. You're all I need, baby. You're all I want. Please Bella, please, don't be angry." I closed my lips, i tried not to tell him what was flying through my mind _You should have told me! You should have pushed her away. You should have told her you had someone else. I love you Edward and I don't want to lose you, especially not for that whore. Deep in myself, I know you didn't cheat on me. I know you love me._ but I didn't say this at all, only because I didn't want to admit I was wrong and overreacting. I was a stubborn person and hated to admit my own mistakes. He took my head between his hands and pulled me towards him. I struggled, still too stubborn to admit something but my lips found his. Our kiss was hard and strong but I melted under his touches. I let his upper lip rest between my lips. I wrapped my arms around him, an old habit I had. I wrapped my fingers into his hair and played with him, while kissing him passionately in the hallway of the hospital. I felt his arms wrap strongly around my waist. He pulled me up; my head was hanging above his.

"I love you." He said softly. I wanted him to shut up. I wanted him to kiss me. I pressed my lips on his so he stopped talking.

**I wrote this chapter to enter Bella's mind about the whole situation. **

**Thank you so much for still reading my fanfic but I have a lot of work for school so I probably won't update as often anymore. I'm sorry! But thank you anyway for every review and kind tweets and for still reading it!**


	22. I'm all yours

"I don't want to leave." I said to Edward. I was being stubborn about this but I had to win this argument and I was going to win it.

"You need to rest, Bella!" Edward said, being as stubborn as I was.

"I can rest here. I'm not leaving you again. I refuse to leave."

"Where do you want to rest?" He strongly asked me. I looked around his small room. It was smaller than his room in Seattle, with only one hard chair, his bed, a TV and a bathroom. I knew where I wanted to rest. I wanted a soft and warm bed that smelled good and not with vinegar washed white sheets. I also wanted to be with Edward, to stay with him and never leave him again. "Please, go home with my father." He begged to me.

"I promise I'll rest. I just have to stay with you." I crawled next to him in his bed where he was already lying in. I put my head on the left side of his chest. I heard his heart beating fast. Feeling his body move with his breath and the sound of his beating heart comforted me.

"Tell me about Kate." I said to Edward. I didn't want to hear everything but my mind and body was screaming to me that I had to know things.

"She's just Kate. She isn't important. You are." He kissed the top of my head. I closed my eyes and felt my body slowly fall asleep, enjoying his touches.

"Can I be honest with you?" He said after a moment of silence. I nodded my head, still between sleep and awake. "I'm happy you didn't leave." His finger was following every curve of my face. He stroked it on my eyebrows, my closed eyes, my cheek and jawbones, my chin, my lips, my nose and my lips again. Though I wanted to sleep, I enjoyed his touches. "Sleep, my Bella. I'll be here when you wake up. I'm not letting you go."

He lied to me. I woke up somewhere else than in Edward's bed. It wasn't even a hospital room. The room was painted blue and had blue curtains. I was lying on a soft and warm bed. The sheets smelled like real washing product, lavender I guessed, and were blue to match with the color of the paint. I stroked the soft sheets and tried to remember how I got here. I didn't remember anything, it was all a blur. A blurry memory came to me again. I remember I was being carried away in the arms of a man with blonde, almost white hair and a blue shirt. I remembered I woke up for a second and fell back asleep, until now. I was surprised to see it was 2 p.m. already. I was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, so I decided it was time for me to take a shower and change clothes before spending the rest of my day with Edward. I looked at the room, noticed a small table next to my bed with my important stuff and phone. My clothes were already hanging and pleated in a brown closet. I looked at my phone. _6 missed calls, 15 texts_. Wow, I never had been this famous in my life. The 6 calls were from my parents, the 15 texts were from Jacob.

_Where are you, Bella? I hope this letter was a joke._

_Bella, I can't laugh with this joke anymore._

_Come back, Bella. Wherever you are, please come back._

_Do you know how reckless you are? Your parents are terrified! Come back!_

_Send a text. We are worried._

And he continued like this for a long time. I sent a text back to him so he could finally know I'm all right.

_I was busy, Jake, so I'm sorry I didn't answer earlier. I'm in Arizona, getting better. I'm sorry if I scared you and my parents. Tell them I love them and I'm coming back as soon as I can._

I pressed on the send button and crawled out of the bed. It was bigger than I thought; you could easily sleep with 2 people in it. I took some clothes and took a hot shower. I enjoyed the hot water on my skin. I stayed in the shower for long minutes. When I stepped out of the shower, I noticed a big mirror. I looked at my naked body and for the first time ever I saw what people saw. I saw almost all my bones. My shoulders were angular, my breast almost invisible under the many bones from my ribcage. It was like I could count every single one of them. My large hips were obvious because of the few skin that was covering them. My legs were skinnier than Edward's arms and the bones from my knees were standing out so much I asked myself how I didn't notice it before. When I turned around and looked at my back, I said to myself it was enough and I had to do something. I looked at my spine. I could count every vertebra on my body. I had to gain weight and look like a normal girl of my age. Not just a bag of bones. I put on my clothes and rushed out of the bathroom.

"Good afternoon." Carlisle said cheerfully to me. The smile on his face disappeared when he saw my worried face. Yes, I was worried about how I was going to do this. I wasn't even sure there was something to do. I went too far with this all. Maybe it was too late.

"You need to help me." I said, sure of myself. "I can't be like this anymore. It has to stop." He looked at me with a proud smile on his face and shiny eyes.

I stepped into Carlisle's rent car after eating delicious pasta he made for me. It had been a while since I enjoyed a good, strong meal without throwing up. It had been the first time since years I didn't want to throw up. It was over to me. For good. Forever. I rushed through the halls to be reunited with Edward as fast as possible. I took a deep breath before opening the door, realizing Kate probably was in his room. I was happy to see she wasn't there. I ran to his bed and jumped next to him. I kissed his lips more passionately than I expected but I liked the way our lips touched. I liked the feelings it brought to me and the way my body reacted. His touches seemed more normal to me than my own touches.

"Hi beautiful." He said after licking his lips and kissing me again. I couldn't retain my smile while kissing his soft, full lips. I lay on my back and pulled him closer to me. He laid his muscular body on my skeleton body. I liked to be close to him and smell his sweet perfume. I crawled next to him and put my head in his neck and sighed of happiness, inhaling his sweet and strong perfume.

"Let's get out of here." He told me. "I'm tired of this room." He took my hand and pulled me away from his bed and his room. I tried to follow him but he was quick, although his multiple scars on his body hurt like hell.

"Edward, stop walking so fast! Where are we going?" I screamed to him. I pulled his arm, causing him to finally look at me.

"I just want to show you something." He said with his eyes sparkling of excitement. I followed him into a room in the basement. A swimming pool in a hospital. That was the last thing I expected to find here. The air smelled like chlorine and was moist and warm. "My father showed this to me a few days before you arrived. I asked him if we could just use it for today." He started to unbutton his shirt. I couldn't help but stare at him doing that.

"Wait, are we really going to swim?" I asked him. He nodded his head. "But Edward, I have no bathing suit."

"You think I care." He continued to take off his clothes and stepped into the water with only his underwear on. "C'mon, Bella! The temperature is amazing!" I looked at him in the water and his muscles. He had a small sixpack. He wasn't buff but he was prettier than the boys who were. His skin was pale-white but shined like diamonds because of the water drops. His golden hair was brown because of the water. I turned around, starring at a white wall. He wanted me to take off my clothes. No, I didn't want him to look at me, naked or almost. He was going to run away. He was going to leave me. No, I was never going to do that. "Bella. Baby, please, come." I sighed and tried to stress less. I took off my blue shirt with shaking hands. I felt his eyes burning on my back. My naked back. I still wore my bra but I felt more naked then I was in my shower. I took of my yellow shorts and my favorite sneakers. I turned around and looked at Edward and he was staring at me. His look scared me but made me feel good at the same time. I entered the water and walked to him. He took me in his arms and kissed my lips, my face, my neck. His hands moved on my back and I felt his hand on my bra. His fingers undid it slowly and softly before I helped him take it off. I looked at him and he looked at me. I felt my face blush.

"Baby, don't worry." He said as he helped me put my legs around his waist.

"I'm all yours."

**Yes, next chapter is a BFD so don't miss it ;)**

**I'm sorry if it took me so long to update but I have a lot going on right now. I'm sorry. I hope you don't hate me! **

**I still love you! xoxo**


	23. All this and heaven too

**A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait but here it finally is! The most waited chapter in the history of this fanfic ;) Thank you for your patience! **

I walked out of the water with Bella still wrapped around my waist. She was as light as a feather, it was easy for me to carry her. I had to retain myself from closing my eyes as she was kissing my neck. I calmly laid her on a lounge. I looked at her face. Her eyes were shiny and looked at me like she wanted to attack me, like a wild animal. She took my neck and pulled me to her. She kissed my lips with a strange force and passion. The glow on her face told me she wanted me but I could tell she was insecure. I knew it was going to be hard for her. But she had to understand she was perfect to me. I wanted her to be mine forever, no matter how she looked.

I stared at her body. She was too skinny but she was perfect for me. I saw every bone she had in her body, with her angular shoulders and tiny breast. I never liked girls with enormous and fake breast. She had large hips, larger than normal hips. Or was it because they were so obvious? Her skin was barely covering them. Her skin was very thin, almost transparent. I had the feeling I could break her, even by just looking at her.

Bella opened her legs just enough so I could put my body on hers. I kissed her lips passionately and stroked her face. I stroked her body with my free hand. Her neck first then her arms, breasts and belly. I let my hand rest on her hips, where she was still wearing her underwear. I hesitated; I wanted to take it off for her but I was scared she was going to get frightened. She scratched my back with her short nails. It was nice, getting me more excited, bringing out the animal in me. Her baby soft skin was feeling good on my body that was pressed on her.

She stroked my naked legs with her feet. Her hands were striking down my arms as she laid her hands on mine that were still on her hips. She stopped kissing and starred at me, right into my eyes. Her eyes were drilling into mine, it was like I could see through her soul; her beautiful and pure soul. She slowly let her hands down, still looking into my eyes, like she wanted me to look at her to make her feel better about what was going on. I wanted to stop everything when I saw how scared she was. She let her pants go down little by little. I helped them get it off for her and threw it on the ground. I took my boxers off and looked at her again. She closed her eyes, scared of what will happen. She nodded her head, accepting what was going to happen. I kissed her strongly, letting her know everything was going to be alright.

I put my arms next to her head and clamped my muscles. I started moving, thrusted softly. Bella's breath was accelerating. I heard her breathe out heavenly with my moves. I heard the bolts from the lounge move piercingly. The squeezing of the bolts got louder and stronger. I should have known this was going to happen, but Bella and I got surprised when the lounge broke and we both found ourselves lying on the ground. My head hit the hard ground. Bella and I laughed before Bella crawled on my body, causing her to lay on top of me. She put her hands and my chest and smiled at me.

I turned her around on the floor and laid on her. I felt THE feeling coming to me as I kissed her neck. The feeling I got before I came ready. The feeling I had when the action actually started. I reached for my trousers that was standing right next to me. I took a condom from one of pockets and turned my sight away from Bella. I tried to put it on but it never seemed this hard. My hands were shaking, my breath was going fast and my head was still bouncing from the smack it had when Bella and I fell on the ground. I finally managed to put the condom on and turned my body again.

Bella opened her legs softly, making more space for my body. I softly made my way with my hard penis and entered her. I immediately started thrusting. Bella's breath accelerated and her nails were scratching my back. I was being rough but as I could hear Bella's moan, she wasn't minding it. Those weren't moans from someone who felt the pain of her first. They were moans from someone who enjoyed what was going on. The sounds that were coming out of her mouth got stronger and stronger and for the first time since I had sex, I growled. I enjoyed it like I never enjoyed having sex. Bella's noises were getting louder until the moans turned into screams. I got scared people could hear us, which could get very awkward but all I could concentrate on was the fun I was having. When Bella screamed my name, it turned me on like nothing ever turned me on. Her eyes were closed and her face was overflowed with little pearls of sweat.

The end of my erection was coming. I moaned and growled and drilled my head on Bella's chest when it was over. I turned over and sighed passionately. My breath was still heavy and so was Bella's. I wanted to say something but I liked the electric silence. I had no idea what I could say to break it. Everything would be awkward right now.

"Are you in pain?" I finally said, discovering Bella's face after everything happened. Her eyes were closed but the fact she had a smile on her lips reassured me. She didn't answer my question. She lived in her own, private world. I turned on my sight, starring at her and her body. I noticed small bruises appearing on her legs and arms. "Bella." I said, terrified of what I was looking at. She finally looked up at me, her smile erasing from her face when she looked at my scared face. I pointed at her bruises. She looked at them and finally lift up her shoulders like it was nothing.

"I easily get bruises because I'm too skinny." Was her explanation. It wasn't calming me. Bella saw it and directly took my head in her hands. "Edward, it's none of your fault. Today was just the best day of my existence. My bruises are gone tomorrow in the morning. Don't be scared." She kissed me with her mouth open and her tongue playing with mine.

She reached for her shorts and took her box of cigarettes out of her pocket. She lighted a cigarette and put her head on my still naked chest. I wrapped my arms around her body, on her breast and took a breath of her cigarette.

"Did it hurt?" I asked her.

"No. Is it weird?"

"I just thought the first hurts. It hurt Kate." I said before I realized what I told her. Why did I have to talk about Kate now? I was being a stupid banana!

"Well, I felt nothing but joy. Maybe I'm different from all the other girls."

"You so are." I said before kissing her.

"Or maybe you're just an incredible man." were her next words. Her hazel eyes were looking deeply into mine with passion. Her eyes were shining because of pleasure.

"Maybe I am." I showed her my prettiest smile and crawled on her again. I kissed her sweet lips with open mouth and didn't even wait a second before making my tongue enter her mouth. Bella let her hands down my back and stopped, laying them on my ass. She stroke them gently but fervently. "Are we going for a second round?" Bella immediately nod and that made me feel good.

**Yes, it finally happened! **

**A huge thank you and a huuuuge smack to my awesomesauce beta :') and of course to everybody who supports me!**

**I love you all! **


	24. The Tattoo

I woke up the next morning, feeling confused. I looked around me. Edward was lying on his stomach, his naked butt out of the sheets. I looked at them, horrified about how perfect they were, just like any other part of his anatomy. I noticed the black drawing on his right buttock. The black lines were showing a bear, a grizzly to be exact. Its maw was wide open, wild and ready to attack whoever was coming too close. His teeth were sharp and you could almost see them shine. My boyfriend's ass was wild.  
>Edward must have felt my staring because he woke up as soon as I reached my finger to touched his tattoo and his ass at the same time.<br>"Morning sunshine." he said with a tired smile upon his face. I immediately pushed my lips on his mouth and opened my mouth. His tongue entered almost directly after my move. "I don't need to ask if you had a good night, I'm guessing." I shook my head to confirm his thought and kissed him again. "Wow, Bella, give me some time to wake up."  
>"I can't. I can't get enough of you and your body and your touches. I can't get enough of doing this," I rolled over my body and rested it on his. "this," I followed my words by gently kissing his nose, "and of course, what I can't get enough of, is this," I stroke my hand over his body and stopped striking when I reached his penis. I rubbed it softly but enough for it to awake a feeling inside of him. I heard his breath accelerate and a smile appeared on our faces because of his reaction. I opened my legs and put them at both sides of his body so his intimate part could enter mine. I moved up and down, just like he did two times the night before. Little groans were silently leaving Edward's lips. I sighed of excitement and pleasure.<br>I was addicted to Edward. He was my addiction, my drug and alcohol. I wanted to have sex with him every hour of every day of every year for the rest of my life. I wanted to be with him, to feel him and to enjoy everything. I loved him more than life and air. I loved the way he made me feel and the new feelings he made me discover.  
>It was easy to forget we were in the hospital while we had these intimate moments. It was our way to forget our troubles and the fact that we were both sick. Kate entered Edward's room when I just finished putting Edward's shirt on. It was long enough to say it was a dress of mine. I didn't like to see Kate enter our sacred place. I simply didn't like to see Kate at all.<br>"Morning peeps." She said with a fake joyful smile. "I'm coming to administrate Edward's medication." She leaned over Edward to kiss him hello, like it was the most normal thing on earth. Of course it was normal to kiss his ex while his current girlfriend is in the room and watching it all happen. I didn't care if she just kissed him on the cheek, it just annoyed me as hell that she touched him. She even touched his shoulder. I was about to punch her so hard her teeth would bleed but I tried to hold myself. It just wasn't sexy to do that. She gave Edward his pills.  
>"Argh, this tastes horrible! I'm going to brush my teeth." Edward crawled out of his bed and walked slowly to the bathroom. I stared at Kate who was pack away her stuff.<br>"You know Bella," she started, "I think you would be so much more beautiful if you were fatter." She didn't dare to look at me while saying that but her miniscule smile was saying enough to me.  
>"I'm working on that." I answered tactfully.<br>"Edward is going to crawl back to me." She told me, fixing me. Her eyes weren't blinking and she kept starring at me. Her look scared me. It seemed like she could have jumped at me with a knife or something like that. She rolled up her sleeves. On her left shoulder appeared Edward's grizzly bear. She had the same wild and dangerous bear as Edward. He never told me about that. He told me about his best friend but never mentioned his girlfriend of that time had the same tattoo! I was shocked and sad, while this all happened before I entered Edward's life. But there was still something that was holding them together. That simple and fierce tattoo was like a string that was keeping them together. Something that will both make them remember they ever met. Something he had in common with her but not with me. Kate saw the way I looked at her tattoo and was happy of my reaction. She wouldn't have hoped for better. I just wanted to run out of the room, out of this state and country. Maybe escape the world and move to Venus. But I didn't want to be a coward so I stayed.  
>"You could kill someone with that look." Edward said as he left the bathroom and saw how I looked at Kate. Oh great, now he was going to think I was the bad one. I smiled like there was nothing going on.<br>"Sorry, I guess I'm not fully awake." Kate took up her stuff and left the room.  
>"Bye Eddie Sweetie." She screamed when she passed the door. I felt my blood burning in my body, my head was turning red and my hands were moist and sweaty. I wanted to run behind her and smash her on the ground. She was lucky Edward was holding my hand, whom was slowly calming me.<br>"Don't mind her, baby." He said to me with a comforting voice. I turned my body and wrapped my arms around his neck. I put my nose in his neck and smelled his sweet perfume. His perfume was my way to calm down.

"I have a surprise for you." He said. He walked to his closet and took a red scarf out of his pile of clothes.

"You really think this is necessary? It's like a 100 degrees outside." I made him notice.

"Bella, just let me handle this, ok?" He came behind me and tied the scarf on my eyes. Everything was red but I had no idea where I was going.

"What are you doing?" I said in a panicking voice.

"Just let me, will you?" I heard excitement in Edward's voice. He took my arms and led me. I had no idea where I was walking since I had the worst orientation. I just heard people talk and the bell of the elevator. "Careful" He said as we walked in the elevator. He let one of my arms go to push on a button and came back to hold it. I felt the people looking at us, though I couldn't see them. I always felt it when people talked or starred. The elevator arrived on the right floor with a hard bounce and we walked out of the elevator. I had asked a hundreds of times where he was bringing me but all he said was "you'll see." or "it wouldn't be a surprise if I told you."

I felt the warm breeze of the summer wind flying through my hair. The smell of hot grass was entering my nose, revealing we were in the hospital garden. We walked far over the grass. I never knew the garden was this big.

"Here we are." Edward said as we stopped in the middle of nowhere or at least I thought it was the middle of nowhere. "Are you ready?"

"Goddamnit Edward, just take it off!" I screamed. I heard someone giggling. Someone who wasn't Edward. It was a woman. I recognized her high and perfect voice; Alice. Edward slowly undid the knot in the scarf and took it off of my eyes. I had my eyes closed though I was extremely excited. When I opened my eyes, the first one I saw was Alice. She was wearing a white and black shirt with black trousers. She was dressed as a waitress, holding a bottle of champagne in her hands.

"Good morning and welcome to the Cullen picnic." She said in a polite way and with a smile on her face. "My name is Alice Cullen and I'll be your waitress for today."


	25. The pic nic

Bella was eating the food Alice brought us. She put a piece of tomato in her mouth and chewed on it, while a little bit of juice ran from the corner of her lips to her chin. She didn't mind it and ate another piece of tomato. I always knew she loved that vegetable and asked Alice to prepare a bunch of them.

I looked at the plate of strawberries right in front of me. I wanted to feed Bella, as pathetic as it might sound. I took one of the most beautiful red fruit from the bowl and crawled to Bella when she just finished eating her last tomato.

"A little dessert." I said to her before she opened her mouth and bit on my strawberry. She also took one herself and tear the green end off. She put the fruit between her lips and came to me as to ask me to eat the other end. I bit in it, the sweet juice running into my mouth. Our lips touched. I never knew eating strawberries could be this sexy.

I stared at her while she was chewing on the strawberry in her mouth. She was so beautiful and perfect, everything about her was flawless. Not a lot of words had been spoken but a lot of glances and touches. I could see in her eyes she was feeling happy and forgetting all the troubles. It was also my case, I almost forgot I was being stalked by my ex girlfriend and I had an incurable disease. All I enjoyed was my girlfriend, the only person on earth I loved.

"Come here." I said to Bella. I took her hand and pulled her to me, making her sit between my legs and put her head on my chest as I wrapped my arms around her. I could feel her slow breathing.

"Look, an elephant." She said. I followed her finger that was indicating the sky full of white clouds. I looked at the cloud Bella was pointing at but couldn't see an elephant.

"I can't see it." I admitted.

"No? Oh c'mon Edward! Use your imagination! There is its tail." She followed the cloud with her finger. "And its ear here." I followed her finger, more looking at her face that was glowing as a child than the cloud she was pointing at.

"Oh yeah, I can see it now." I lied. A small breeze passed through Bella's hair. They moved and itched my nose. The smell of her raspberry shampoo entered my nose.

"And look at that cloud! Looks like a bird, don't you think?" She was pointing at another cloud, close to the elephant cloud.

"Looks more like a bee to me." I said to tease her, which was working fine.

"Where do you see a bee?" She said a bit irritated. She never liked it when people contradicted her. Her reaction made me giggle. Her irritated look faded away as soon as she saw my teasing look, showing me her prettiest smile.

"Stop teasing me." She turned her back at me and pushed her body on mine.

"Never." I said while putting my head on her shoulder. She suddenly turned around again and glanced at me.

"Why all this?" She asked with a wandering look on her face and her eyes full of question marks.

"Because you're worth it, my love." I simply answered. She crawled back into her position and kept looking at the sky while caressing my hands and arms.

Glimpses from my dream came back to me. The dream I had a few days ago. I dreamed about this picnic, about our romantic talks and gestures. Almost everything was similar to it, except the most important part of the dream.

In my dream, I'd put a ring on a small strawberry and give it to Bella that way. I'd kneel down and look at her surprised face and I would say the words that I wished I wasn't so scared to say.

"Bella, would you marry me?" I remembered the way she started to cry and agreed by nodding her head.

I talked about my dream with Alice and she immediately proposed herself to help me make it come true. I tried to make her understand I didn't want to ask Bella to marry me. Not because I didn't want to finish my life at her side- it was the total opposite. I couldn't imagine being away from her anymore; I didn't want to imagine it. I wanted to be with Bella until the day I died. No, I didn't want to ask her to marry me only because I was scared of her reaction. It may sound stupid but I was a real coward. I was pretty sure she loved me, I just wasn't sure about how it would evolve. I wasn't even sure to be alive at this time next year.

But everyone knows you can't stop Alice as soon as she has an idea. She prepared everything to surprise Bella.

I opened my eyes again, noticing I had been closing them since I dreamed again. I looked at Bella. I saw her breast move slowly with her breathing and the little smile on her face while her eyes were closed. I stroke her arms and kissed her neck, which made her moan quietly. She turned around and wrapped her legs around my waist. She stroke my face and the hair next to my ear. She slowly brought her lips closer to mine and opened them before touching my already open lips. They moved in a synchronized way, her mouth sucking my upper lip. Having her so close to me made me realize how happy I was.

She looked deeply into my eyes after a long kiss. It was like I could see into her soul, like I could enjoy her happiness through the look in her eyes. She was playing with my ear when I felt her body become rigid. Her fingers were still on my earlobe but she stopped moving, she stopped breathing and was just starring at a point in the wilderness. I turned my back around to see what she was looking at.

I saw two people walking faraway. I immediately recognized the two figures. The small sized and skinny figure with proper hair and a dress that was trying to hold on with the fast and big steps from the taller and forcer figure with his hair combed in a perfect way and his doctor's coat floating with the invisible wind. The way they were moving wasn't pleasing me, which probably was the reason why Bella reacted that way. She probably noticed the same worried steps from the two people, Bella and I could finally see Alice and Carlisle's faces as they reached us and we all realized it wasn't good news they were bringing us.

**I'm so sorry if this update has taken a very very long time! I had my finals (which I passed), I had to arrange stuff for university next year, I had inspiration issues and when it all came back to me, I left on holiday without a computer. I hope you don't hate me. Next update will come very soon, I promise! **

**I love you, Laure. **


	26. 1 word, 2 syllables

There was no reason to be worried. Everything was going to be alright. Edward will be alright and if he was going to be alright, I was going to be just fine_. Happy forever._ I had to repeat those words to survive the real thoughts in my brain. Nothing will be alright. It's dangerous. I wanted to stop thinking. To cut my brain out or find a mute button.  
>Waiting in this small waiting room was worse than hell. Everyone was acting like they were feeling no fear although the tension in the room was so heavy it almost cut out my breath. The sound of Emmett's heels that were touching the ground a thousand times a minute was the only sound that kept me in the reality of things.<br>I closed my eyes, trying to remember Edward's face. I heard the knitting sticks from Esmé touching each other. It was almost forming a beautiful music. Or maybe I was just losing my mind. Alice was turning over a page from her girly magazine every now and then.  
>The last look Edward had given me before he left for his surgery- a look that said "maybe I won't be alright after all"- had put my angst on a higher level. I was sitting here waiting to get some news, starting to feel useless by just sitting and getting my mind crazy was like waiting for someone to murder you. It was murder. The doctors were murdering us.<br>Everyone came out of their chair at the exact moment when the door had opened. Carlisle took off his blue bandana from his head and sat down next to me. Everyone was staring at him, sending messages with their eyes. I was even insulting him. My mind was luckily private.  
>"Nothing new." He told us. He sighed.<br>"Is that a good thing?" Emmett asked the question that was on every mind.  
>"I have no idea. The last news I've got was that his tension was a bit high but could be fixed." Everyone looked frustrated.<br>"It's going to be alright." Esmé soothed. _Everything will be fine_. Everyone sat back in their original position, doing the same thing only half-concentrated.  
>"Have you eaten yet?" Carlisle whispered to me. I stared at him in disbelief. His son was probably dying at this very moment and he wondered if I had eaten something? "You should eat."<br>"I'm not hungry."  
>"You should."<br>"I don't want to eat, Carlisle." I said strongly to him, almost in a rude voice. I was going to throw it up anyway. There was suddenly a beeping noise coming out of his pocket. Everyone turned his head like someone had yelled their names at the same time.  
>"Shit." Carlisle said while looking at the black beeper in his hands. He came out of his chair and ran away without saying anything to us. We all looked at each other like it was a wordless agreement. We all ran to where Carlisle had disappeared. A nurse stopped us in front of a lift. <em>Staff only.<em>_  
><em>"Oh come on Leah." Emmett said to the nurse. Yeah he definitely knew every nurse in Phoenix. She just shook her head in an apologizing way. We walked slowly back to the room, our feet slumping on the ground. They should have put us some rags under our feet, we would have cleaned the place. Some of us looked back to the door, hoping someone would come out to give us more information. Suddenly, Emmett turned around and ran to the door, opening it before Leah could stop him.  
>"Emmett, come back!" Esmé screamed to him though we all could hear in her voice that she was proud of her son. The three of us continued our way to the waiting room, slightly more hopeful which was stupid.<br>And the wait could start again. Seconds felt like hours and minutes like years and every hour felt like centuries past.  
>After 183 seconds, because yes I had been counting seconds, Carlisle entered the small room with Emmett. At the look of their faces, we all could conclude that there was something very very very wrong.<br>"His tension dropped, his heart weakened. His pancreas swelled up and the..."  
>"He's in a coma." Emmett interrupted the useless explanation from his father.<br>A coma. A coma. A coma. 1 word, 2 syllables. Coma. Co-ma.  
>The world underneath my feet opened, making me drop in the worst kind of hell. At least it was better than death. <em>Fuck you<em>. I collapsed on the ground, my knees hitting the ground as first. I didn't give a damn about the sting of pain in my knees, in my legs. My whole body was aching, everything hurt. My heart was bleeding, my eyes were crying. I couldn't hear anything or anyone. I refused any kind of help. I wanted to see him. I wanted to be with Edward.  
><em>No, it wasn't true<em>. I was sure they were kidding. Making a horrible joke that would make us all hate them until their last breath. My last breath. Edward's last breath.  
>I was aware of the arms wrapped around my shoulders, holding me and rocking. I was aware of the big bear arms that were keeping me calm or at least were trying to. I was crying, yelling, every organ, every fiber, every bone was aching. It wasn't true. Nothing was true. This existence was a joke. <em>I hate it all<em>. Everything. And I hated everyone. Anyone. I even found myself hating Edward. He was the one I hated the most. Why did he agree on this shit? When did he decide to ruin me? I hate myself. I had no idea why but I hated being me even more than I usually hated being me.

XXX

I was woken up by a snoring too close to my ear for my liking. I looked up to the cause of the noise, wondering why I was sleeping with my face on Emmett's lap. I hit him with my elbow in the stomach, causing him to wake up in surprise.  
>"Stop snoring." I said with a voice that surprised me. My throat was hurting and the sound my body was releasing was far from my usual voice. It was knavish and hard, like I hadn't spoken in years. Or like I had been crying for hours on my boyfriend's brother lap.<br>"You snore yourself." He said, pinching my nose with his thumb and index.  
>"I don't snore!"<br>"You do, Swan. You snore."  
>"Shut up." I turned my head from him and looked at the wall in front of us. A white wall. I stayed with my head on Emmett's lap. It was more comforting than sitting on my own. He was rubbing my shoulder to comfort me. I liked it. My big bear Emmett.<br>I acted like I hadn't noticed Emmett's swollen eyes and red nose. I was perfectly aware of the fact it would take all his pride away. And I knew my face probably wasn't a lot better looking right now. No one's face was.  
>"Where's everyone?" I asked, suddenly noticing we were alone.<br>"Alice is with her boyfriend Jasper. He took the first train to get here."  
>"Sweet"<br>"Hmm."  
>"And your parents?"<br>"With Edward." I shivered at the sound of his name. Edward. My Edward. _Coma._  
>"And why aren't you there?" I turned my head to look into his teary eyes. He was looking away from me, probably because he was trying to avoid my look while he was going to cry again.<br>"I wanted to stay with my sis_." His sis_. Funny. "Do you want to see him?" I thought about it. Yes I wanted to see him. My entire body was begging to see him. I needed to see he was half-alive and still his beautiful self. I had to see if he was my Edward still. I wanted to go to him, smell him as weird as it may sound and making sure he wasn't dead yet but still in that stupid two syllable word. _Co-ma_. If my heart had legs, he would be begging on them asking me to see my Edward again, the one that healed me. My brain was literally screaming. See him, see him!  
>But I replied a heartbreaking, shaky "No."<p>

**Poor poor Edward! Poor poor Bella! How is this going to evolve? **

**So, I want to excuse myself for updating so late but… yeah you know what happened anyway. Push on the review button to tell me what you think about this turning point.**

**I want to thank my awesome beta for helping me out again with this. Thank you for everything you did, Chrissy. You're wonderful but you know that already. **

**Xoxo, Laure.**


	27. Hope

I stepped out of bed like a robot. Every morning has been the same, Waking up, shower, clothes on, hospital, back home, falling asleep in bed with all my clothes on. I was having a nice picnic with Edward three days ago and now I'm here, just squatted on the ground while the shower is flowing over me. The hot water got mixed with my warm tears and I felt more horrible and desperate with every minute and every new thought that went through my head. I was cursing at everyone and anything around me especially Carlisle for even talking with Edward about the surgery. On the other hand, I could understand him. He probably thought Edward would turn it down like he had done for the past years. But this time was different. This time he was hopeless and wanted to do it for me. It was all my fault. I unconsciously talked him into doing the surgery.  
>When I got dressed in Edward's simple oversized pull so that I had his smell with me I joined the rest of the family at the breakfast table. I hadn't told anyone but I started throwing up again. If Edward wasn't going to live, there was no reason for me to be healthy. I took the sandwiches Esme made for me. She knew I was going to spend the entire day in Edward's lifeless body.<br>I sat in the car with Emmett, Alice and her rather cute boyfriend Jasper. I just stared in front of me, at the yellow car that was driving way too slow. Arizona, a place that seemed so overly beautiful suddenly turned out to be the worst place on earth. Everything I liked in Arizona at the beginning suddenly looked ugly. The smell from the heat just smelled like shit to me while I used to like the smell a few days ago. Three days ago I must clarify. My stomach turned seven times when I spotted the hospital in front of me. I hated the look of it. It looked like death to me.  
>I ran to Edward's room without even looking at where the others were. I knew they were giving me all the time I needed to be with Edward. When I entered and happilly discovered no nurse or ex girlfriend were present in the room, I sat on my usual red chair next to his bed and picked up the book I was currently reading On the road from my seat. I loved the book. Not as much as I loved Wuthering Heights but I loved it and I was sure Edward would love it if he could read it. I wanted to concentrate myself on the story, the quotes, the characters but all I could concentrate on was Edward and what he told me before the surgery.<br>"What's your decision?" I had asked him a few moments after he walked in. I knew I caught him by surprise with that question. "Alice told me about the surgery." I explained to him after I had dried my tears with the back of my hand. He sighed realizing this was going to be the hardest part of the entire thing. "You decided to do it, didn't you?" I answered for him, understanding what his very long silence meant. He made a step towards me and opened his mouth to let words come out of it but he remained entirely silent. As he stepped towards me, I made a step back, shaking my hand to make clear to him I didn't want me to come close to me.  
>"Why? Since we met, you kept telling me you didn't want to have surgeries. You repeated it every time and now there is a surgery that could probably kill you and you decide to do it!" I resumed the situation. He opened my mouth again, but failed again to say something. "Have you thought about me?" I had whispered because of the tears.<br>"You are the reason I'm doing this!" He finally managed to say. Well, he screamed it.  
>"Oh right Edward! Totally makes sense to me now!" I answered in a sarcastically voice.<br>"Baby," he had said to me while walking towards me and taking my hands in his. I tried avoided his look and preferred looking at our hands. "I'm doing this because it's the only way I'm sure I'm going to survive this illness. It's the only way to be sure we'll be living together until we're old."  
>"Not if you die now." I sobbed. He grabbed my body and pressed me against his body. I immediately wrapped her arms around him because that was just a natural thing to do for me and started to cry heavily on his sexy shirt. He tried to comfort me in every way possible. He said the sweetest things to me, he told me he loved me and we'll be fine over a hundreds of times but both of us couldn't believe it were true. We just stood there in front of the window wrapped in each other's arms. And then, suddenly he said something that I will remember my entire life.<br>"I'm doing this for our future. I'm doing this because I want to marry you."  
>I hadn't noticed the tears that were running down my face as I was sitting here with his almost dead body. Almost dead. No, I refused to think that he was going to die. We were going to live, get married, have children and we were going to do that, both healthy as fuck. But I refused to be healthy as long as Edward wasn't my Edward anymore. I refused to be healthy if he weren't healthy and alive. I was pathetic. I could be a normal teenager that could go to school and have a normal boyfriend but instead I had been in a hospital for over six months now and my boyfriend was now in a coma. A deep, deep coma.<br>Maybe I shouldn't have met him. Maybe I should have stayed away from him when we met. I mean, I should have known this wasn't going to be a happily ever after story. How could a hospital-love end in a good way? Maybe I should have stayed in Forks and be with someone who actually could take care of me instead of me taking care of him. Maybe I should have dated Jacob. And there it was, me imagining how it would be to date Jacob. It made me want to throw up. No, I couldn't think like that. Jacob had been a good friend to me for the past few months, the hardest months of my life, but he was just a friend.  
>As much as Jacob was a sweet, understanding guy and had been supportive since we actually met, he couldn't be like Edward. Edward understood me. He knew how I was feeling since he was feeling the same. He knew how it was to basically live in a hospital. He knew it better than anyone, even better than me. And no, coming to Arizona wasn't a mistake. It felt like one now because of the entire situation but it wasn't. It made me stronger though I was a weak, pathetic kid who couldn't even stay away from the bathroom to puke out all the shit I ate earlier.<br>I crawled closer to Edward and took his hand in mine. His long fingers were so... dead. He was pale. Very, very pale. His chest was barely moving with the air that came down his throat via a pipe, into his lungs. Seeing him like this made me want to scream to the world. It made me want to die. No, I wasn't strong enough to bare with this. I wanted to run away and never come back but I wouldn't survive being away from him.  
>I kissed his dead lips, softly, lovely and carefully before picking up my copy of On The Road and staring at him for the last time. I dried the last tear I decided to shed and squeezed his hand before turning my back to him and walking out of this room, out of the hall, out of this hell place that was part of my daily routine to visit. Hopefully one day I will walk out of this hell place forever. Hope. That's what I have to do I have to hope that he will survive through this coma because he is the strongest man I know.<p>

**Thank you Chrissy, my dear dear beta, to save this chapter! You're so wonderful, I have no words!**

**I hope you liked the chapter and I'm sorry for the late update. See you as soon as possible!**

**Xoxo Laure.**


	28. Sleeping Beauty

No, this was no bad movie with a bad plot. It was all real life. I was really laying in bed speaking to myself in my head while I was in a deep coma. Everything they said about hearing people talk to you is true, except they don't mention how shit you feel afterwards. You hear them rambling about how much they miss you and all you can do it try to fight to escape this condition. You know it's stupid, you definitely realize it, but the pain and amount of shit you feel inside of you makes you so desperate.

I was perfectly aware of Bella's presence in my room. She was apparantly reading a book again as I could hear her turn the pages now and then. She hasn't said a word to me lately. Not like my sister who was rambling about how great her boyfriend was or my brother who explained to me what every nurse on this service looked like and how much he hoped for me to see them. Especially that one girl, Jane.

But not Bella. All she kept doing was reading and reading and sometimes I heard her sight. And when she sighed, all I wanted to do is go to her and strike her face to tell her I'm alright and we're alright and that I love her. But that seemed unlikely to happen anytime soon.

You know how I feel? Like we are in some stupid fairytale. Sleeping Beauty. I was the Sleeping Beauty. Oh sure I knew a kiss wasn't enough to wake me up. But it was enough to feel alive. If I could just have one little kiss from my princess, it would wake up the flame inside of me. But the tension in this room when Bella was here was so heavy. Yes, even a half-dead person could notice it. Why was she acting like this anyway? Like I even wanted to be like this. She didn't want to hear me when I told her everything was for her. Well, it was all true! What was she thinking? That I had declined all riskless interventions to finally accept one that could kill me? Yeah right. This surgery seemed more likely to save me than any other surgery my dad proposed to me. He had warned me, he sure had about what could happen. He had even begged me to refuse the surgery. In fact, he immediately started with « I have a new surgery for you but you need to refuse to do it or you will die. » but this time, I thought I had a real shot at being a normal teenager and having a normal life.

What I had always do, i accept the risks the surgery could have and thought this could make me normal. I didn't listen to my father and accepted the trial surgery. When I told Kate, after I had told Bella and we shed some tears together, I had to deal with an over-panicking ex-girlfriend who was clearly thinking she had graduated already and thought she was a doctor already. She gave me some speeches that were long, very long and all I had done while she gave those speeches was how I was going to propose to Bella.

Yeah, well. The proposal and wedding ideas seemed so far away now. One concern down, I actually had none in this black pit. Yes, after further reflection, it seemed a very bad idea to being too stubborn to listen to my dad once again. I should have remembered he was a doctor.

I was starting to wonder how many days I had been laying in this bed already. 4 days ? 3 months ? 6 years ? 2 centuries ? I had no fucking clue. Time just seemed so irrelevant at this moment. So unreal and far away.

When people weren't around to 'entertain' me while I was in a coma, I tried to remember things. Like Bella and my childhood. Like that one time Alice made me watch The Sleeping Beauty a hundred times the same day and she threw the VHS away the next because 'it was so yesterday'. Or that time when Emmett wanted to appear strong and fierce in front of his new friends at his new school and he decided to be mean to me when they were around but as soon as one of them was mean to me, he actually kicked their asses. Or that one day when Bella and I had a romantic dinner in her room but we actually only ate some chips and cookies.

Unluckily for me, memories seemed to fade away, leaving me nothing else to do than… nothing. Or worse ; making me sulk over everything I could have done today and tomorrow if I weren't stuck in a dead body. Productive but small things like being around the people I love. Or having sex with Bella. I was currently craving for sex. It's My time of the month. Or bigger things like finally finishing high school and going to uni with Bella. Marrying her and having her kids. Later, of course.

I had no idea how long Bella had been here. Hours seemed like days since she refused to entertain me by actually talking to me. Another page from her what seems like a very interesting book was being turned around and I noticed a hard slap on what I presumed was her leg and she closed the book loudly. She held my hand tight and got up. I felt her coming closer thanks to her hot body. She was obviously staring at me with her fingers in my hair. Can a coma-patient have a boner ?

I could already imagine her standing there with her glittery, brown eyes, wide open to look at me properly, her hair lose and hanging over her shoulder and as she leans closer towards me. I felt the smell of her shampoo enter my nose. The sweet smell of raspberry, mixed with the flower perfume her mother got her. She smelled so good. She smelled like Bella. Warm and sexy. Sweet but strong. Just my Bella. Feeling her this close to me made me want to wrap my fingers in her hair as I pull her closer to me to kiss her gently. It hurt to remember it was a mission impossible.

Well, it was less painful to actually realize she was pressing her warm lips on mine. I wanted to move my lips in our synchronized dance. Sucking on her bottomlip as she moans silently. Yep, that defenitely wasn't happening.

I felt a tear fall from her eyes on my cheek and suddenly, no kiss anymore. Just fast steps and a door that was being closed. Wait, has she left? Why? She had been here for only a couple of… oh hell I don't even know! And why was she crying? And suddenly it hit me. The worst thought I had in the last centuries I had been stuck in this coma. Maybe she just decided not to come back to me. Maybe she just decided to actually leave me. Who could blame her? I couldn't give her anything like this. If someone deserved happiness, than it surely was Bella.

Something inside of me changed. Yes, my heart just accelerated but it was more psychological. I wanted to get out of here. Catch Bella at the arm and kiss her like she has never been kissed before. Something inside of me just decided this was the right time to fight harder than before. I fought and fought. I was literally punching every nerve in my brain to wake up and be able to get out of this condition. I was screaming inside of my head like a warrior.

And finally, after a fight that seemed longer than a hundred centuries, I started to see the light. Not that light when you are dead but that light, that natural light from hospital neons. I was awake. My eyes were still closed but I was awake. I realized there was a tube running down my throat and into my lungs and it was capital for me to not take a breath and just let the machine do its job. Of course I failed since every living organ was slowly gaining its function. I choked over the tube and immediately felt a nurse pull it out of my throat as I opened my eyes and looked at my family's teary eyes.

I was Sleeping Beauty. The beautiful girl woke me up from my coma named Bella, but where was she? I wanted to scream her name so she can hurry back and kiss me but I feared she left for good. Will she or will she not return in my arms to continue are story as Edward and Bella. The heartbreaking thought hit me so I cried but I gave my family the wrong impression as to why I'm crying as they thought I was in pain so I shook my head and cracked 'Bella?'. If she doesn't return then it will feel like darkness.

**I'd like to thank my awesome beta for her awesome work for this chapter and all the ones before. She helped me like fuck !**

**I have a proposition for you. Leave me your e-mail adress in your review and you'll get a little sneak peek of the last chapter. Yes, I'm afraid I have to announce you this story is coming to its end.**

**Xoxo Laure**


	29. The End

**So here is the very last chapter of this story. Thank you, Chrissy, for you incredible work ! And thank you to everyone who stick with me through this story. **

It was weird to wake up after what seemed years, but actually was just 3 days. I was able to see the light and the happy faces from my family. Faces I had been dying to see again. I liked to have images with the noises I heard. I was even faced at my father « I told you so »-face. Yep, he told me but I was alive. We were even. I also could see my sister's face when she couldn't reach Bella on her phone. She didn't want to tell me but I was apparently smarter than they thought I was.

She decided to leave. To have a better life. She hadn't talked about it with anybody but we all secretly knew it. Honestly, I couldn't blame her. It was hard to hold on with losing her again, and definitely this time. There was something missing inside of me now that she left.

Alice tried to reassure me. « She isn't gone, Edward ! » and « she's probably coming over today. » had been the usual words this week. And then there was my smooth brother who told me « she wasn't that hot anyway. » when he thought I was moaning too much, which I wasn't for someone with a broken heart.

« Does that have to make me feel better? » I asked as he chew on his cornflakes in the middle of the night.

« Who wants to date a girl like her anyway? »

« You tried to hit on her in the elevator ! » Oh, I knew he was bluffing. Emmett loved Bella, just like everyone else. No wonder, Bella was fantastic and strong and beautiful. And she just got frightened to get hurt. She would forever be the love of my life. Even when I'll be 64 years old, alone with some dogs and other animals old people own or with a wife I will love but not as much as I ever loved Bella and our grandchildren on our lap, Vera, Chuck and Dave.

The door of my room pushed open strongly. My heart made a happy bounce but definitely stopped when I noticed it wasn't Bella. I could hope right?

« Emmett, go out. Edward needs to rest. » Kate said strongly to the big bear that was eating his coco pops with milk because it made cocoa. Emmett got up and stood in front of Kate with his very muscular body and his head held high to be even taller than he already looked like next to this tiny, blonde person. But Kate wasn't afraid of him and looked challenging to him.

As soon as Emmett got out, she closed to door and sat next to me on the high bed. She held my hand in hers but kept staring me. Creepy ex.

"I'm happy you're awake again." She said as she wiped a tear away. She reached over me and hugged me tight while rambling about how happy she was that I'm back and still alive. And then she kissed me. Not just some accidental kiss where lips barely touch. No, a real kiss with tongue and saliva. I couldn't remember but she was such a bad kisser. It wasn't like Bella. That was the real problem. She wasn't Bella.

But instead of pushing her away, I got into the kiss and wrapped my arms around her neck and stroked it with one of my fingers. She interrupted the kiss to look at me,- probably telling herself how proud she was of herself,- and attacked me again, even harder this time. She crawled on my bed and put her legs around my body while undoing some buttons of her green nurse dress. I looked at her now almost apparent breast. A guy would get a hard on from less. Except me. Nothing, not even some soft pulsion. Nothing at all. I wondered for a second if my brain hadn't found all his functions yet after my coma but then I realized what was the reason of this sudden weakness. Bella.

Why did she have to leave? I never noticed how my life depended on her, not even when I travelled here when she stayed in Forks. But now it was all done for me.

So I stopped Kate, pretending I was too tired and she left. And I thought about Bella until the sun got up outside. Eight days without Bella. And an ex-girlfriend who couldn't be happier to have me for herself. When did my life get so complicated?

After spending a month without Bella and having Kate running around me all the time, I decided this life couldn't be lived this way. I started to be angry at everyone and Bella in particular. I fought for her, I went through everything for her and now she decided to turn her back to me? Bitch. I instantly regretted that thought.

As much as I hated her right now for leaving me, I knew I loved her. It wasn't hate. It was pain.

One day, as I was alone in my room and sure no one was going to come to bother me for the next few hours, I searched for my pills under my mattresses. I had been collecting them for the past two weeks and ended up with a mix of white, pink, orange and green pills in my shaky hand.. I had learned this from House M.D. My hero. I stared at them for long minutes before opening my mouth and finally let them through my throat.

Everything started to spin around me, strange shapes were dancing in my eyes and I felt sick but good. I was finally leaving this world. I was happy right before everything turned black.

And the light got turned on again after a 3 second nap. Little blue stars were moving all around and I felt nauseous. It didn't take me long to throw up in the basket someone was keeping up for me. After I had puked out my entire body, I felt hands slap me. It looked like they were thousands of iron hands hitting me and actually got surprised when I saw it was Alice who was hitting me with her little, tiny hands.

"Why Edward?" She said through her tears. "Why again?" and she collapsed in my knees as she was shaking because the wave of tears that was falling. I was lost. What did I do? I had no memory.

And then, as I saw her face, it all came rushing back. The pain, the frustration, the hate but love and the desperation. The pills I had taken to get away from the pain and because she didn't want me. She was back now. I wish I was angry about it like I should be but I was relieved. She was back. My love was back. It felt right, it felt whole. I looked at her.

"I'm so sorry!" She said as she walked fast to me and grabbed my face to kiss me. I felt her wet face and tears fallen from her eyes on my face. And her sweet lips tasted even sweeter, her soft mouth felt like a feather on mine and her face, although red from the tears, was even more pretty to me than before. She even looked a bit fatter now, which was good, not a bad thing. She was gorgeous and I suddenly remembered why I loved her so much, why I couldn't live without her and why I wanted to end my life for this flawless creature. I even felt a pulsion in my private part.

I hadn't noticed Alice had left the room. All I saw was Bella and that was all that mattered to me.

She told me about how she stayed at Rachel's daughter, Linnie's house, where she got feed like she was a pork they had to fatten before they slaughter it. She also told me she left on whim but she will regret it all her life. I loved her even more than I ever loved her before. After throwing up a few times and being sure I was recovered enough of this mini overdose, we cuddled in bed and slept together until the day she pushed me in my wheelchair out of this hospital and every bad thing that happened to us stayed a bad nightmare. I had her back which kept the nightmare at bay.

**Ps : there's an epilogue following !**


	30. Epilogue

I had been staring at my finger for quite a while before deciding to get up from bed and dress up for work. I tried to be careful not to wake Edward up, which I failed. He turned around and faced me when I was putting my trousers on. I walked towards him, half-dressed, and kissed him a small kiss good morning.

"Good morning, dear fiancé of mine!" Fiancé. I was his fiancé. I felt the ring around my finger and couldn't help but look at it. And surprisingly enough, it didn't scare the hell out of me. I even liked the idea, something I never thought would be my case.

After a month at the hospital, Edward finally got out. During our first meal out of the hospital, he asked me to marry him. Oh, it wasn't a big thing with surprises and a hidden ring. But the words he used will always stay in my mind like a fossil in stone.

"Bella, no need to tell you you've changed my life and you've become my everything. But it would be an honor to call you my wife one day. And right now, I want to call you my fiancé. So, do you want to marry me?" and there he puts out this marvelous diamond ring. This kind of ring that would light up an entire room when there's only a little bit of sunlight shining on it. I of course immediately agreed to become his wife.

Sweet proposal, just him being Edward.

So here we were, only a few weeks away from our big day with almost everything ready and planned. Except the dress, though Alice was about to kill me because I couldn't decide what one I wanted. Well, I perfectly knew what one but she didn't like it. "too simple" she said.

"Where are you going?" Edward said as I put on my coat and got ready to get out of the little apartment his parents left us in Arizona.

"I have to go to a high school in Phoenix today." I said slowly as I kissed him one last time before I left. I took Carlisle's car and put in the address of this high school in my sat nav so I can attend my morality lecture today. As soon as I passed the security from school, I met the dean who brought me to the auditorium. The stress came up to me before I had to go up. My little experience now taught me how mean teenagers could be.

As soon as I entered the room and faced thousands of faces, I got overwhelmed by the loud noises from their voices. I pretty much knew how to deal with them. I stepped on the small podium and took the microphone. As soon as I talked, they were all silent, which was a surprise since very few school I've been into were immediately calmed down or at least without the intervention of the headmaster.

"Good morning. My name is Bella Swan and they asked me to talk with you about something pretty, let's say tricky. Now, I'm going to talk and ask questions. If you have anything to ask me, hand up and you can talk." I nod my head to make clear they should have understood that. "Has any of you been bullied one day?" Quite a lot of boys and girls put their hands up. It was sad to watch. "Who of you have been bullied about being fat or too skinny?" Some hands stayed up and I was able to look at this one girl. I had no idea who she was but she was a identical copy of who I used to be. I had like a six sense to know who had an eating disorder and that girl there, she definitely had one. She was overweight but something about her made me realize that was only for a short amount of time.

"See, when I was at high school, I got bullied because I was overweight. I wanted to proof the bullies wrong about me being overweight so I decided to lose weight. Now, there are good ways to lose weight. Slow diets are good. They are slow and it sucks but it's a way to stay healthy and give nature what it needs. And then there's the way I used to lose weight. A toothbrush down my throat and everything out. Oh God, it definitely felt good when I lost all this weight and could show the bullies I was stronger than they were and actually lost weight. But I wasn't stronger than they were since what I did was weak. I couldn't stop throwing up and lost weight even if I was already underweight. I got obsessed with my weight and my food. I maximum got 200 kcal in, which is 10 times less than what a normal girl should have.

So here I am, standing in front of you with a normal weight for a girl my age, trying to prevent any other girl and boy who feel like this and do the same mistakes that I made."

It was very silent in the auditorium. Everybody's eyes were fixated on me.

"Any question?" I said as I sat down on the border of the stage. The girl I noticed before elevated her hand. "Yes." I said to her, allowing her to ask whatever she wanted to ask. I would have answered anything for this girl.

"How have you surmounted this?" She asked with tears in her eyes.

I didn't have to think about the answer to that question. I automatically put my hand on my stomach and softly stroked it as I answered "Love."


	31. Thank you

**I firstly want to thank Chrissy for being the best beta in the world of beta's. She helped me out and was very patient with correcting my many many many grammar faults. She has been a fan from the beginning 'till the end and she has been helpful and supportive. Every time I sent a chapter to her, she got all excited about it and that's what I particularly love about her. And I'm also lucky this fanfic brought me a new friend ! I'll forever be thankful for that and also for her excitement !**

**I also want to thank my friends and especially Linnie (WhatAboutMeAndYou) to stick with me till the end and through my other fanfics. I love this girl more than cake and she knows how big that is.**

**But the person I want to thank the most is the person who owns everything Twilight. The woman who changed thousands of lives, including mine. The woman behind the masterpiece Twilight and the other saga books. Thank you Stephenie Meyer for everything you've done for us. **

**And of course, thanks to everyone who read this story, who reviewed or tweeted me, who favorited, alerted and/or followed the story. Thank you to everyone who secretly read without telling me. I also love you, you sneeker !**

**And thanks to everyone else I maybe forgot, to complete my baby and make it like it is.**

**If you liked my story so much you also should check my other ones. Right now it's only Just Tonight being written but there is secretly also another one being written. Who wants a preview of the first chapter can PM me **

**A lot of love for you all. I love you so much. **

**Xoxo Laure. **


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